I pick bear, and only because if I see a bear then that means I’m in the woods and probably already want to die 

Shark! If you survive, you have an awesome scar. If you don't, you get to be part of the ocean ecosystem, pretty cool. 

I saw what happened to Leo in The Revenant and I want no part of it. 

I am very afraid of a bear attack, even though it's ridiculous. But I've grown up with bears in Appalachia and they do attack, but for different reasons than a shark. Bears attack because they're pissed. Because you encroached on their territory. They're angry, and they want blood. Sharks attack because they're hungry. I choose Shark, because they have less of a motivation to keep attacking, where as a bear will stop at nothing. And yes I carry Bear Spray, like a weirdo, when I'm home.

Important clarification needed: what kind of bear are we talking about? Because I recently learned you literally cannot survive a polar bear attack, so NOT THAT bc apparently they'll pop yr head off and drink you like a coke. Meanwhile a shark simply thought you were a seal. So-- maybe a shark attack just bc then at least I know I'm the one to blame?

This is an excellent question. If the assumption is death, then shark, because I imagine it will either be over quickly, or I’ll get to live in a shark’s belly for awhile, which would be a new experience. If the assumption is life… well, then I’d go shark again. Bears are so terrifying, and at least I can outrun a shark. 

Bear is cuddly, but a shark probably is better — at least you get to be in a warm place when you die.

For the sake of being devil’s advocate I would say shark because can’t you like punch them in the nose and then swim away? Or is that some bull shit I heard over the years and ended up believing? The struggle of being gullible.

I think this one all depends on whether you know it's coming. If so, definitely shark - it'd be scary, but you have at least a fighting shot at fending a shark off. A bear? You're dunzo!

This question is essentially asking, “do you want to die a slow, painful, miserable death in the woods or a relatively quick and painless one in the ocean?” A great white will take out half your abdomen or a full leg and it’ll all be over pretty quickly. A bear will take its time ravaging your ass and leave you half dead like Leo. Noooooo sir. Y’all masochists can keep your bears.

In this week's episode of "I Am The Cute One," we covered High School Musical. But, as is tradition, we got sidetracked with a lot of chaos, including one very important question: 

Would you rather be attacked by a shark or a bear?

Donny and I both agreed that we'd prefer a nice, old fashioned bear mauling. While I justified my answer by explaining that I cannot swim and therefore could never escape a shark, Donny shared his thorough survival plan: crouching down to the ground and holding his stomach very tight. Sensible!

Which would you pick? And how would you escape?

For more of this episode (including our full answers to the Shark v. Bear convo around minute 20): 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-am-the-cute-one-a-nostalgia-podcast/id1570702948