Obligatory disclaimer at the start of this post: Trans rights are human rights. JK Rowling is a garbage goblin and her narrow minded viewpoints are very pure-blood adjacent. Like, gross.
Harry Potter was an important part of my childhood. It provided an escape from real life when I needed it, expanded my imagination, helped me navigate loss, and gave me something to talk about with other nerds when I was feeling socially awkward at a party.
When a new book was released, I was the b*tch at Barnes & Nobel with a scar drawn on my forehead, waiting for the clock to strike midnight.
Cut to present day: I am officially a millennial stereotype, making my love of Harry Potter a main personality trait far past an age that is socially acceptable. As a gemini, I vibe with both Slytherin AND Hufflepuff depending on the day, my outfit, my mood, and whether or not I'm on my period. (For three days a month I'm just straight up Voldemort, just ask my husband. But, I digress....)
Hat to head though, I am a Badger Babe. Go Puffs!
Now that I've concluded Chapter One of an autobiography you certainly did NOT ask for, let's get to the reason for this post:
My favorite pastime is sorting celebrities into Hogwarts houses. So, for no particular reason in no particular order, here are some random celebrities and their houses:
-Ravenclaw: Emma Watson
She is smart, witty, competitive, and creative. She is well spoken and uses her voice to share ideas and advocate for important issues that affect both Wizards and Muggles, like climate change and gender equality. (Now let's hope she uses that beautiful brain to learn how to do a passable American accent. But that's a post for another day....)
-Hufflepuff: Khloe Kardashian
Of all the Kardashians, Khloe is often the one playing peacemaker, standing up for the underdog, and trying to hear both sides of a story. Khloe is affectionate, nurturing, and loyal....sometimes, to a fault *cough* Tristan *cough*
-Gryffindor: Pete Davidson
This is the man behind the phrase BDE. He's bold, reckless, and, when he believes in something, goes all in. While he is slightly chaotic and impulsive, his heart is usually in the right place, even if his brain is not. And, like Harry, he has no business being as confident as he is and yet....
-Slytherin: If we're being honest, MOST people on reality tv are Slytherins, but let's go with Spencer Pratt for today's activity.
He values family above all, and demands respect and unwavering loyalty. He is resourceful, clever, ambitious, and, well, willing to do what it takes to get ahead. In short, he understands the assignment. And, while he probably wouldn't be a Death Eater (taking orders isn't really his vibe), he would DEFINITELY be selling Pratt Daddy Crystals at Borgin and Burkes.
So fellow Potter Heads, comment some more celebrities below and let's sort them!
And for more Harry Potter talk (much to Donny's chagrin), check out this week's episode of "I Am The Cute One": https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/saved-w-literaltrash2004/id1570702948?i=1000556869648
We covered "Saved" with @LiteralTrash2004!
Things every single teen movie from the late 90s/early 2000s had:
-A makeover scene (if a girl doesn't remove her glasses to reveal she's high key stunning did the movie even happen?)
-Single dad just dOiNg HiS bEsT (Love ya, pumpkin t*ts!)
-Douchebag with a heart of gold
-Douchebag that stays a douchebag (Bonus points if it's played by Matthew Lillard)
-A ridiculously inappropriate romantic relationship (um, may I suggest listening to our "Never Been Kissed" recap?) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/never-been-kissed-w-christine-biancavilla/id1570702948?i=1000550199486
Did I miss any staples? Comment below!
Do you think more people should have no eyebrows? Whoopi seriously murders the look, and she’s got me tempted to try it.
In this week's recap of "Sister Act" on IATCO, we discussed me getting kicked out of youth group for teaching the other kids about taking Satan out of a box and beating him up. I thought it was beautiful, but apparently Ms. Sandy did NOT agree.
So I took to my IG stories to ask the wildest church stories, and the responses I got were ALARMING, to say the least. I knew this was just the beginning, though, so I bring the same question to all of you.
Let's get chaotic - what is the wildest church story of your past?
In 2008, I got the pink razr phone and it became my whole personality. I have yet to find a more satisfying sound than slamming that sucker shut after triumphantly winning an argument via T9 typing.
What was your first cell phone? Did you have the indestructible, should be studied by the military Nokia Brick? Were you a BBM gal? Did your parents also get their phone bill and yell "WHAT THE HELL IS A TEXT MESSAGE??"
For more nostalgia, listen to this week's episode of "I Am The Cute One!" @IAmThirtyAF joined us to recap Coyote Ugly. It's a good one. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/coyote-ugly-w-iamthirtyaf/id1570702948?i=1000557825663
You've just shared a magical first kiss with your crush on your front porch. Things are heating up, so you decide to head inside....only to find your mom and his dad, post penetration, ready to bitch slap you back to reality: they are in love and your boy-toy is about to become your brother. Neat!
a) Scream, gargle mouthwash (followed by a whole lot of tequila), and never mention the kiss (and subsequent brother boner) ever again
b) Take it in stride, stay the course, and head off to your childhood treehouse to get kinky with your kin. You know, really keep it in the family!
While this may seem like a very straightforward quiz with only one right answer, I think more of you need to revisit 1999's "Drive Me Crazy" staring Melissa Joan Heart and Adrian Grenier. The last 3 minutes are straight out of an M. Night Shyamalan thriller. Only this time, I find out I'm the one who has been dead the whole time, as the end of this film has officially killed every last shred of hope I had for humanity.
All jokes aside, this ridiculous (and unnecessary) plot twist got me thinking....what other movies have a surprise ending that left you, as the kids say, shookith? And follow up question: would you boink your step-brother if he looked like Adrian Grenier?
In this week's recap of "Sister Act," we took time to discuss other important things we were doing in 1992 when the movie was released, and for 4-year-old me, that was not doing much else but playing with toys.
The Creepy Crawlers Bug Maker came out that year, and while I was thrilled to be able to flex my creative genius as I crafted insects of all colors of the rainbow- mostly hot pink and neon green (sorry, Dad! Should have been a sign) - I was low key pissed that I never got an Easy Bake Oven because it was "for girls."
Cut to 35-year-old me, still unable to cook and with bugs in my apartment. Do I blame my parents? A little bit. Should I be telling my therapist instead of making a community post about it? Perhaps. So let me book an emergency session while I leave you with this question:
What toy or game still lingers with you, haunting you with the fact that you weren't allowed to get it as a child? And more importantly - do you want it badly enough as an adult to get it on eBay? (Because I may or may not know that the Easy Bake Oven is available for $40...)
On this week's episode of "I am the Cute One", our guest (Tom Hamlett of the Dumpster Dive podcast) asked a very important question: What would the mom from 7th Heaven be doing in 2022?
With all that's going on in the world, I have to imagine that she would be, to quote Dorinda Medley, not well b*tch. After all, resiliency isn't exactly a word I'd use to describe ol' Annie Camden. Let's not forget that this is a woman who once almost went into cardiac arrest after seeing her middle school son flip the bird.
What do you think she'd be up to? (Let's hope it starts with leaving her husband. I mean, I'm sorry. It had to be said.)
And to listen to us talk about WB shows and recap Teaching Mrs. Tingle: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/i-am-the-cute-one-a-nostalgia-podcast/id1570702948
As mentioned in this week's episode of the podcast, TGIF ran from September 22, 1989 to September 8, 2000, and was home to 30 different shows during this time. The original lineup was Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers and Just the Ten of Us, but during its 11-year-run, it aired other shows, such as:
*Step by Step
*Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
*Boy Meets World
*Step by Step
*Sabrina the Teenage Witch
*Two of a Kind
*Making the Band
*Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place
First of all - isn't it SHOCKING that Two Guys, The Hughleys and Making the Band premiered on TGIF? Honestly had no idea.
Second, nobody asked me, but Fall of '95 is my personal favorite when it comes to the lineup; with Family Matters, Boy Meets World, Step by Step and Hangin' With Mr. Cooper on the schedule. However, if I were to make a tiny edit - no offense to Topanga & the gang, but I'd replace BMW with Dinosaurs. Where else could we see the plot of Roseanne acted out by humans in full-size Dinosaur puppet costumes?
What is YOUR dream TGIF lineup? (PLEASE, for everything in me, keep the 4 shows TGIF shows. It's no secret that our guest, Erin Miller of @overthemoonfaraway, and my podcast co-host, Chelsea, went off-book for this prompt, and I HATE a rule breaker.)
Hear me implode at their answers in this week's episode!
We FINALLY covered “Cruel Intentions” on the podcast this week, and it’s no secret this is my favorite movie - I own no less than 5 tee shirts, I can quote it word for word, I wrote an educational parody for my health class, and I watched it every day while I did my homework.
What I DIDN’T know was the hold this movie had on me… sexually. While editing the podcast, I had to ask Chelsea to remove at least half of the mentions of me pleasuring myself to this movie in high school because apparently it happened A LOT. (Who knew? The stories just poured out of me; it wasn’t planned!)
Was “Cruel Intentions” the movie that woke you up? Or was it, perhaps, “Wild Things?” Or maybe something random like “Mrs. Doubtfire?”
Basically, what movie had you watching it alone and made you realize “I’m a WOMAN NOW.” (Extra points if you, too, said that in Lorrell’s voice from “Dreamgirls.”)