Ranking the Wrecks of Love is Blind

I am fresh off the Love is Blind finale and I have some things to say, so here’s a lil ranking of the wrecks we watched  Please note this post includes spoilers and is entirely subjective. It is based not off of who is right or even likable, but who did what Bonnie Raitt asked and gave us something to talk about.

12. Mallory: I have nothing to say about Mallory other than she shouldn’t be on tv.

11. Salvador: Salvador is probably worse than Mallory, especially considering I thought his name was Sallory and then Salamander. He isn’t last because his name reminds me of when Adrian Brody played Dali in that movie we don’t talk about.

10. Iyanna: Iyanna is very nice, but there’s something just doesn’t fully click with me. She seems rational and yet signed up for this nonsense. Maybe she’s just a sane person in a crazy world. Also are her parents the same age as her?

9. Kyle: Kyle is the saddest character in Love is Blind herstory, including that dog that drank red wine in season 1. I pushed him up, because he had to endure meeting Shaina’s family. I hope he isn’t called to testify in front of the January 6th commission when that family is brought in.

8. Jarrette: Kind of a charming dumb dumb, he caused a little drama when he got turned down by Mallory and had to settle for Iyanna. His apartment is a nightmare and he is labeled as a “hair care consultant” but mostly has some clippers and a folding chair in his living room. You just know he makes his clients sweep up their own hair. His family seems wonderful.

7. Shaina: Shaina is a chaos agent and gave us a lot, but I needed her to be a bit more villainous. Fingers crossed she gives us a top tier reunion performance. She was season 1 Jessica light, but she and her hats have potential.

6. Danielle: Danielle is kind of a mess, maybe suffering from sort of arrested development and anger issues. She was dramatic as hell, but is less telegenic than her partner. More on him later.

5. Natalie: Natalie seems like a nice person and she gave some star work in Mexico as she got used to Shayne’s energy. My main problem with Natalie is that she isn’t very demonstrative with her feelings, a necessary quality in reality tv. Drama in the finale though pushes her higher up.  

4. Shake: Shake is a terrible man and very personally triggering to me. I deeply believe he should be in Azkaban, but his focus on his partners body made him the true villain this show needed. Shaina wishes. Watching him try and spin being left at the alter talmabout Nobu and fitness routines? Sir please.

3. Shayne: Shayne is an asshole and an overgrown puppy of a man. But he also has star quality. He is kind of like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Please don’t drag me, I am writing this off the cuff.

2. Deepti: Deepti is also very nice, kind woman. I am ranking her high because I am shallow and like looking at her. Oh and because like Cristina Yang, she knows she is the sun. Long live the queen.

1. Nick Matthew Thompson: Nick is the kind of character I got into reality tv for. He seems like a normal straight man, but then he hits you with all types of crazy. His proposal? Wildly awkward. Keeping his Dawson’s Creek DVDS in his closet? Iconic. Having another closet full of alphabetized DVDs in Mariah Carey’s 2021? God-tier. The scene with him and Danielle wearing their lil costumes is etched into my brain, we watched a man’s life flash before his eyes as he saw grown up girlies who shopped at Hot Topic playing Rock Band and spilling crumbs in his living room. He is also incredibly messy and I hope is called out for it at the reunion. Bonus points because he wore his lil bead bracelet to his wedding. No one is doing it like Nicholas Matthew Thompson.