Fashion designers have finally conspired to create something more useless than faux pockets on women's jeans: the micro-bag, and no one is a bigger fan of the trend than Emily Cooper. In Season 2 of Emily in Paris, the American marketing exec's bags seem to get smaller and smaller as the season goes on. In fact, they shrink so much she commits the ultimate Parisian fashion faux pas by resorting to lugging her belongings around in a Mona Lisa tote bag that screams, "I'm a tourist, please mug me!"
As a result, I spent most of the season distracted by Emily's purses' total lack of functionality. Given how rare it is for designers to actually give women functional pockets on their clothes, having a decent sized purse is extra important. It doesn't have to be huge, but my criteria for a good bag is as follows: it should be able to fit a phone, small wallet/card carrier, and at least one tampon. Bonus points if I can also cram a snack in there, but I understand not everyone walks around with a plastic bag full of pretzels at all times like I do.
The sad truth is the majority of Emily's purses wouldn't even hold the tampon, never mind her phone — hence the tourist tote. So, for the sake of science, I've endeavored to rank all of the Emily in Paris bags from utterly useless to fully functional.
19. Completely Useless
I like exactly one thing about this teeny-tiny green purse, and that's the color. Other than that, what's the point? Not only is it unable to hold little more than a coin for madame pee-pee, Emily has to carry it around by a tiny strap. Pas bien!
18. She's Literally Carrying Her Phone
This little blue status symbol is actively making Emily's life harder. Now she has to carry a child's handbag, her phone, and a cup of coffee.
17. What Does She Put In There?
While this purse is arguably tinier than the previous two, it does at least come with a chain, so Emily doesn't have to carry it around in her hand all day. However, much like Madeline, I too can't help but wonder what she puts in there.
16. Again, This Purse Will Hold Nothing
This is literally the same purse as the one above, it's just pink, which makes it ever so slightly more fun.
15. Tiny & Tweed? No Thank You
Because this baby tweed bag is sitting against Em's jacket it looks bigger than it is. Look at this model, and then tell me why anyone needs this wannabe purse.
14. Worst. Travel. Bag. Ever.
Don't get me wrong, this yellow clasp purse is gorgeous, but it's also impractical for a work trip. Again, if you have to physically carry your phone, then your bag is not doing its job.
13. The Teeny Tiny Evening Bag
This bag isn't terrible. I like the retro vibes, and it is an evening bag, so it doesn't need to be much bigger than it is. And Emily does have coat to stash her phone in, so I'm giving this one a pass.
12. Is That... A Makeup Bag?
This quirky purse looks like a makeup bag masquerading as a handbag to me. The size is perfect, but it has no strap, which forces Emily to break out the dreaded Mona Lisa tote.
11. This Is Fine I Guess
This bag is fine. It's a decent size, I like the pop of color, and you could definitely fit the essentials in there. However, the metal design on the side looks like it would actively stab you in the side with every step.
10. The Structural Integrity Of This Bag Is Questionable
I have a few questions about this bag. Namely, does it close and are we sure it's structurally sound? It can definitely hold all of your important bits and bobs, but it also looks like a pile of lace held together by a dainty chain, so I'm on the fence about its usability.
9. Classic Perfection
Do I wish this bag had a more user-friendly strap? Yes, I do. But the classic shape, perfect size, and '50s vibes have won me over. Good choice, Emily, this is a perfectly respectably vacation bag.
8. The Bucket Bag
Ah, the bucket bag. It's whimsical and roomy without being bulky. While it's not going to be to everyone's taste, it screams Emily.
7. Simple & Stylish
We're firmly in the good bag zone now. This little yellow number is slightly wide, but it's still functional without compromising on style.
6. Sparkly Evening Bags Are The Best Bags
This is a perfect evening bag. It's sparkly, it holds Emily's phone, and it even has a bit of a hobo slouch look going on. I want to marry this bag.
5. So Much Style, So Much Grace
Emily's green bag from the premiere could use a strap, but the size and color are so on point, I'm not going to fault the designer for not adding a chain.
4. Yass, Queen
Look at our little Emily! Not only does this purse have a chain, it passes both the tampon and the phone test. This is a grownup human's purse.
3. The Mystery Purse
Look, I can barely see this bag, but I love it. The shape, the design, the size — I honestly don't know why Emily didn't wear this purse all season long.
2. There's No Love For Practicality
Again, the costume designer gives Emily a practical purse and it's almost completely hidden. Still, that little green number looks like a workhorse and it should be appreciated for its function.
1.My Kingdom For This Purse
This is a perfect purse. Emily's yellow Prada bag can easily hold all of her necessities and a croissant. Add in the part where it easily fits on her shoulder, and it becomes clear: this is the best bag Emily wears in Season 2.
Images: Carole Bethuel/Netflix; Netflix