'Bachelor In Paradise' Is Just The Bad Place With Hot People

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'Bachelor In Paradise' Is Just The Bad Place With Hot People

Bachelor Nation, it's time we face the facts: forget glamour and romance, Bachelor in Paradise sounds like hell on Earth. Sure, it's a 24/7 party with hot people in bathing suits, drinks and food on demand, a beautiful beach, pools, bungalows, day beds. But you know what they don't have? Air conditioning. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Watching the Bachelor in Paradise Season 7 premiere Monday, I was struck by two things: 1) Bugs are really not conducive to romance, and 2) David Spade might be a savant, crabs really are just "spiders with good PR." As someone who hates both bugs and spiders, I immediately thought about how many creepy crawlers I, a normal person of sound body and mind, would be able to overlook in the hopes of finding love in 3 weeks. The answer: not many. And it's not just the bugs that are a huge turn off, it's the heat (Tahzjuan Hawkins plastering herself with oil blotting sheets is truly a mood), it's the dampness, it's the everything.

The Crabs

In addition to his end-of-show revelation of how crabs fell on him from the walls at night, guest-host David Spade took to Twitter and Instagram to talk about his crab run-ins in more detail. "They're on the prowl and they want to kill. And they're in my room," Spade recounted. "I had at least six in my bedroom at all times." He even said he slept with the lights on so that he could see where the crabs were at all times. "Sickening," he called them. And he's correct. Look, I have nothing against crabs, but if crabs were crawling around my bedroom at night, clicking their claws and falling from the ceiling, I honestly don't know what I would do with myself, but it would probably end with Paradise going down in flames.

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