Spoilers ahead for Ted Lasso Season 2.
Fucking hell. Roy Kent on Ted Lasso better be making good money from coaching children's football since his retirement. Because he owes his niece £1,236 for all of his curses. In Season 2, Phoebe has been keeping track of all of Roy's curses on Ted Lasso. And I, like an 8-year-old hoping for a big payout, have decided to do the same.
Now, I won't be counting every single curse word that Emmy-nominated Brett Goldstein utters in Ted Lasso Season 2. Because with a mouth as fucking filthy as Roy's (no, not that Roy), that would be as difficult as the crossbar challenge. But, anytime he goes on a profanity-riddled rant, I'll be documenting it here. Because you may take the man out of the football pitch, but you can't take the expletives out of the man.
1. Little Pricks
"Oi! You listen to me! You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, 'cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me?"
When: Episode 1, "Goodbye, Earl"
Why: With only one curse and one of them being "pricks" (which isn't all that bad when considering the list of forbidden four-letter words), does this really count as a curse out? Well, when he's saying it to 8-year-olds who've disappointed him on the pitch, yes.
Curse Count: 1
2. Fucking Football Pundit
"I don't want to be a fucking football pundit. Sat on fucking telly in a dumb fucking suit like a know-it-all twat. It's a shit job for shit people. I'd rather shit out my own fucking mouth than do that fucking shit."
When: Episode 1, "Goodbye, Earl"
Why: Roy really doesn't want to be a football pundit, OK, Keeley?!?
Curse Count: 10
3. Fucking Fine
"Fucking hell. ... Tell the truth. He's fine. That's it. Nothing wrong with that. Most people are fine. It's not about him. It's about why the fuck you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by fucking lightning. Don't you dare settle for fine. ... Not that it's any of my business."
When: Episode 1, "Goodbye, Earl"
Why: Even when Roy's being supportive of Rebecca finding a love worthy of her, it can be extremely scary.
Curse Count: 3
4. White Orchids
"Jamie Carragher sent me flowers. We fucking despised each other when we played, now he's sending me flowers. How the fuck does he know I love white orchids?"
When: Episode 2, "Lavender"
Why: Roy was nervous for his first day as a football pundit and even his favorite flowers ruffled his feathers.
Curse Count: 2
5. Fucking Pride
"No, I thought they played like shit. ... All right. Chelsea was shit today. They were shocking. Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home. They were too timid. They were too respectful of United. They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten. ... Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em. You could see it in their faces: abject terror. Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas. Have some fucking pride in your shirt or don't fucking wear it."
When: Episode 2, "Lavender"
Why: Roy and his salty language gave the football pundit gig a go and the real-life host of Sky Sports' Soccer Saturday Jeff Stelling had to offer an apology for "almost every word Roy just said."
Curse Count: 5
6. Fucking Parade
"Look, most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fucking parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots."
When: Episode 3, "Do The Right-est Thing"
Why: Roy keeps dropping wisdom on Rebecca, even if he does so while insulting her goddaughter Nora and his little niece Phoebe. Will Phoebe come with me to the podiatrist?
Curse Count: 2
7. A Little Bitch & A Shit Manager
Roy: "Jamie Tartt is a muppet. And I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch."
Chris Kamara: "Don't hold back, Roy."
George: "Yeah, come on, tell us how you really feel."
Roy: "Okay, you're a shit manager."
When: Episode 3, "Do The Right-est Thing"
Why: It's not like Roy was going to watch his language on Soccer Saturday anyway, but he sure isn't going to now that Jamie is back on AFC Richmond. The fake former coach of AFC Richmond, George Cartrick, got caught in Roy's curse crossfire.
Curse Count: 2
8. O Holy Fuck
"Holy fucking shit, you look incredible."
When: Episode 4, "Carol of the Bells"
Why: Roy keeps it relatively clean for the Ted Lasso holiday special. But when Keeley's Sexy Christmas party was postponed, he needed to honor his girlfriend's sexy Christmas-themed getup.
Curse Count: 2
9. Have Some Fucking Fun
"No, I brought you here to remind you that football is a fucking game. And you used to play as a kid cause it was fun. Even when you were getting your fucking legs broken. Or your fucking feelings hurt. So fuck your feelings. Fuck your overthinking. Fuck all that bullshit. Go back out there and have some fucking fun."
When: Episode 5, "Rainbow"
Why: Too many fucks? Evidently no since this time Roy's fuck-filled pep talk to Isaac McAdoo worked.
Curse Count: 8
10. Fuck Off
"Do you really think I'm gonna fall for this shit? … You're an asshole … Listen, I'm never coming back to Richmond. Not now, not ever. Now, fuck off."
When: Episode 5, "Rainbow"
Why: Roy does not take kindly to Ted trying to trick him into becoming a coach… or his rom-com references.
Curse Count: 3
11. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
"Fuck! Fuck. Fuck."
When: Episode 5, "Rainbow"
Why: Roy very eloquently articulates the pain he's feeling after hurting his bad knee while running to the AFC Richmond match.
Curse Count: 3
12. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck 2.0
"Fuck you! … Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."
When: Episode 5, "Rainbow"
Why: He's still hurting, but he manages to hurl an insult to the security guards who won't let him into the game. If only he had said, "Fuck you!" earlier, they would've recognized him!
Curse Count: 4
13. Fucking Whip It
"Colin, you're leaning too far back. Head down, fucking whip it. ... Bumbercatch, great pass, but it don't' mean shit if they see it coming. The rest of you in the box, when the shot goes, you fucking follow it in."
When: Episode 6, "The Signal"
Why: Roy's cursing while he coaches AFC Richmond (naturally), but it's all constructive, I swear!
Curse Count: 3
14. Be A Prick
"You fucked him up. … You made him a team player, you got him to pass and shit, and in doing so, you've made him average. 'Cause Jamie, deep down, at your core, you are a prick. So just be a prick. We need you to score more goals and we need you to get in the other teams' fucking heads and drive them up the fucking wall like only you can fucking do. … I'm saying sometimes. When it is appropriate, yes, be a prick."
When: Episode 6, "The Signal"
Why: Roy tries to avoid Jamie's attempts to build bridges ("You couldn't fucking build Jeff Bridges"), but Roy finally reveals why Jamie's game has been off — and it has to do with Ted's nice guy strategy.
Curse Count: 8 (if you count "prick" as a curse)
15. The Little Prick
"The little prick's gonna fucking score from there."
When: Episode 6, "The Signal"
Why: The Roy Kent Effect is in full… well, effect when he gives Jamie the titular "signal" and predicts Jamie will score an unthinkable goal. Perhaps Roy should be Rebecca's mom's psychic.
Curse Count: 2 (again, if you count "prick" as a curse)
16. Fucking Fridge Magnet
"You've been making out to everyone like I'm following you around, like a needy, clingy fucking fridge magnet? I'm an idiot. Oh, fuck this!"
When: Episode 7, "Headspace"
Why: Keeley's the one doing most of the rants in this episode since she's annoyed with Roy being constantly around. And he doesn't respond so kindly to her telling him so.
Curse Count: 2
17. Fucking Jamie
"Jamie! What the fuck were you doing?! ... Fuck!"
When: Episode 7, "Headspace"
Why: Roy is not happy when Jamie unintentionally gives him a lesson in giving other people space. Jamie may have been talking about the football pitch, but to his amazement, Roy realizes he can apply this lesson elsewhere.
Curse Count: 2
18. A Fucking Drowned Rat
"Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas, but your feet are a fucking state. But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat had got trapped and fucking drowned."
When: Episode 7, "Headspace"
Why: If you feared that Roy was reverting to his old, not emotionally available self, it was a relief to see Roy very sweetly give Keeley the space she needs — and acknowledge just how much hair he leaves in the drain. Nothing's sexier than a guy cleaning his own hair out of the drain, even if he does make fun of your feet in the process.
Curse Count: 2
19. Double Shits
Roy: "Ted asked, I don't give a shit." [looks at phone] "Shit, I gotta go."
Nate: "Where are you going?"
Roy: "None of your fucking business."
When: Episode 8, "Man City"
Why: Nate doesn't want Roy to run training, but he gets his business when Roy's called on for a Phoebe-related emergency.
Curse Count: 3
20. A Living Piece Of Shit
Ms. Bowen: "Can I start with a quick personal question... Phoebe's dad?"
Roy: "Oh, he's a piece of shit."
Ms. Bowen: "Is he alive?"
Roy: "Sorry, yeah, he's a living piece of shit."
When: Episode 8, "Man City"
Why: Roy's stepping in for his sister again when Phoebe is being disciplined at school.
Curse Count: 2
21. F No
"Fuuuuccck…Fuck no! Sorry. F no."
When: Episode 8, "Man City"
Why: Roy's really blown away that he could be the reason for all of Phoebe's cursing at school. But he tries to make an effort to adjust in front of her teacher. And despite his refusal, Phoebe still got that ice cream.
Curse Count: 2
22. Double Fucks
"Fuck… fuck!"
When: Episode 8, "Man City"
Why: The whole cast of characters are hurting as AFC Richmond loses to Manchester City and Roy deals with the pain as he deals with everything – by cursing.
Curse Count: 2
23. Fucking Mental
Roy: "That is fucking mental."
Keeley: "Coming from the guy that wants me to ruin a bus driver's life just cause he killed you, swerving to avoid a child."
Roy: "I didn't know about the fucking child."
When: Episode 10, "No Weddings and a Funeral"
Why: Ahead of Rebecca's father's funeral, Roy and Keeley get in a bit of a spat over what they want one another to do when they die.
Curse Count: 2
24. Obi-Wan Kenobi Or Some Shit
"Oi, listen, I was a prick today. Making dumb fucking jokes. It's just death makes me uncomfortable. When my granddad died, I spent every single night for a whole year praying that I could just talk to him just once or see him just one more time, like he was Obi-Wan Kenobi or some shit. And I got fuck all."
When: Episode 10, "No Weddings and a Funeral"
Why: Roy wants to apologize to Keeley about how he handled their death talk. Let's just hope his apology wasn't too late after Jamie's proclamation of love.
Curse Count: 4 (using the previously-established "prick is a curse" rule)
25. Not Shit
"Then, why are their pictures shit and yours are... not shit?"
When: Episode 11, "Midnight Train to Royston"
Why: Roy was getting awfully friendly with that fuck witch Ms. Bowen when complimenting her teaching skills.
Curse Count: 2
26. Keeley Fucking Jones
"The real you is fucking amazing. And now the whole world is gonna get to see that. You are Keeley fucking Jones. The independent woman. You're gonna kill it."
When: Episode 11, "Midnight Train to Royston"
Why: Welp, Roy's pep talk to Keeley before her Vanity Fair photoshoot will really destroy me if these two break up in the finale.
Curse Count: 2
27. Fucking Forgiveness
Keeley: "Did you murder him?"
Roy: "No. Worse. I fucking forgave him. It's disgusting, innit?"
Keeley: "No. I'm really proud of you. I fully support that. Wait. I've got some news too."
Roy: "Oh, for fuck's sake. Don't tell me Ted tried to get off with you and all."
Keeley: "The VC that back Bantr, they want to finance me opening my own PR firm."
Roy: "Holy fucking shit. That is huge. You are a fucking CEO and shit. That's amazing."
When: Episode 12, "Inverting the Pyramid of Success"
Why: Roy forgave Jamie for telling Keeley he loved her. But who knows what would have come out of his mouth if Ted had hit on her too.
Curse Count: 5
28. Fucking Gorgeous
"Oh, shit. They better not have used any pictures of me smiling. … Don't you dare. Don't you change a fucking thing. You look powerful. You're fucking gorgeous. You look like a BILF."
When: Episode 12, "Inverting the Pyramid of Success"
Why: Roy wasn't in any of the pictures featured in Keeley's Vanity Fair profile, but he knows that's the way it should be.
Curse Count: 4 (if you count acronyms)
29. The Fucking Diamond Dogs
"Fuck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind being in the room whilst it fucking happens. ... I know I said I fucking hate doing those things, and I do fucking hate doing those things. But in the end, they didn't use a single picture with me in it. And it hurt my... feeling. … The thing is, she looked so fucking great. On her own. Without me. So natural. It would've actually been fucking weird if I was in the pictures. And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral, Jamie fucking Tartt tells her he's fucking in love with her. … Yeah. Instead of beating him to death, I fucking forgave him. I'm still fucking furious about it. … Wait. So sometimes the fucking Diamond Dogs is just chatting about shit, and no one has to fucking solve anything and nothing fucking changes?"
When: Episode 12, "Inverting the Pyramid of Success"
Why: With 13 "fucks" and one "shit," Roy took his initiation into the Diamond Dogs quite seriously. And Ted Lasso fans were as giddy as Ted and Beard when he said the experience was "cool."
Curse Count: 14
30. Villa By The Sea
"Tomorrow, you and I are going to a villa by the sea for six weeks so you can chill out before you start kicking ass in your new job. And I'm going to take the first holiday I've taken since I was 12, where I don't have to stay in shape or rehab my fucking knee. I'm gonna gorge myself to death on tapas, and it will take fucking ages. … You can do all your emails and shit, but from a balcony with a sea view."
When: Episode 12, "Inverting the Pyramid of Success"
Why: In his excitement about going away for six weeks, Roy resorts to his usual cursing style. But the profanities peter out as Roy fears his relationship with Keeley may be ending.
Curse Count: 4
Fitting a fucking finale, Roy's scene with the most curses in Season 2 was with the Diamond Dogs in "Inverting the Pyramid of Success." As for how much he owes Phoebe? Well, it might be well into the £10,000 range if he and Keeley do end up breaking up.
Images: Apple TV+