The moment Joe Goldberg and Love Quinn moved to the Northern California suburb of Madre Linda, they became the worst neighbors there. It doesn't matter that, when they first arrived, they had yet to kill any of their fellow residents or do anything to disrupt the peace. Their presence was enough. But, that's not to say their neighbors are all innocent. In fact, ranking all the Madre Linda neighbors in You Season 3 just by ick-factor is pretty damning of the entire town. Season 3 spoilers ahead.
In honor of Joe and Love's serial killer tendencies, I will be ranking the Madre Linda residents based on how big a threat they pose to their community. Are they as bad as murderers? Let's see...
Gill
Gil is, by far, the worst Madre Linda neighbor Joe and love have to deal with. Sure, at first, the mild-mannered professor seems like the most normal person there. He's not overly pretentious, and isn't obsessed with Instagram, which immediately makes him more likable. And then Episode 3 happens, and it's revealed that Gil is actually an anti-vaxxer whose unvaccinated children infected Baby Henry with the measles. And when Henry ends up in the hospital, he's not even that sorry about it!
Unlike the other Madre Linda inhabitants (Joe and Love excluded), Gil poses a very real, physical threat to the safety of the entire town, particularly the children. And, for that, he's the most guilty neighbor around.
The Verdict: After Joe and Love, Gil is the most likely to murder someone (even if accidentally). I give him 8/10 red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Cary Conrad
On the surface, Cary doesn't seem too threatening. Yes, he has more muscles than any regular person should, and he won't shut up about becoming his "peak" self and "hacking" every aspect of his life, but he's not a menace to society. Or is he?
Behind closed doors, Cary is actually the toxic masculinity cult leader of Madre Linda. He takes his friends on camping trips where they can only eat what they hunt, are encouraged to fight each other, and where they definitely take some of Cary's weird homemade supplements. And when he and his wife swing with other couples, he brings one suitcase full of dildos and another full of very sketchy medications and solutions that definitely cannot be legal.
The Verdict: It's only a matter of time before Cary's macho antics gets someone killed. And in the meantime, he's dolling out super sketchy drugs to all the fathers in town. No thank you. I would also give him 8/10 red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sherry Conrad
Carry's wife Sherry is a whole other beast. She's a momfluencer who loves to toss her clout around. As Queen Bee of Madre Linda, she has the power to destroy any business and reputation at any time, which puts Love in an especially precarious position when she decides to open a bakery. Sherry is obsessed with perfection, and she wants to be both adored and feared. It's a dangerous combination. But, while definitely unpleasant and cruel, Sherry isn't a huge threat to the community. She's the kind of evil you learn to live with.
The Verdict: Sherry is a mean girl, but she's not a criminal. That said, she can destroy your life with one blog post. I'll give her 7/10 red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Matthew Engler
Matthew Engler is Joe and Love's next door neighbor. A tech billionaire who dislikes the Madre Linda social scene, he's a mysterious fellow. His biggest red flag is that he's obsessed with surveillance and ownership. He has cameras everywhere in his home, so his wife feels like he's constantly watching her, even when he's not there. Everyone in town uses his technology, which, in a way, gives him access to all their data. And he's not shy about hacking into every single surveillance camera on the street.
The Verdict: Matthew isn't an active threat to the community as long as he isn't pushed. (Though some might argue that his inventions and data collection is a huge existential threat to humanity and society at large, making him the most dangerous person on the block, but I digress.) 7/10 red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Natalie Engler
Natalie, Matthew's wife, is a real estate agent who feels trapped in her marriage and in Madre Linda. She doesn't get along with the other housewives, and she doesn't want to. Her nonchalant attitude is inspiring, but it also makes her a bit callous when it comes to other people's lives. For example, she doesn't seem to have any qualms about sleeping with her married next door neighbor. That's red flag behavior.
The Verdict: Natalie didn't deserve what happened to her, but she's definitely not that innocent. And for that, she gets 5/10 red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Brandon & Kiki
Brandon and Kiki are your typical Madre Linda couple. Brandon made it big selling an app years ago, and the two have been coasting ever since. Kiki is Sherry's BFF, which really means she's her minion, while Brandon is part of Cary's bro cult. There's nothing really sinister about them, other than the fact that they're willing to play Sherry and Cary's games.
The Verdict: Brandon and Kiki are annoying, but harmless on their own. Unfortunately, their proximity to Sherry and Cary make them more dangerous, so they land with 4/10 red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Andrew & Jackson
Andrew and Jackson are another Madre Linda couple sucked consumed by the suburban popularity contest. Andrew (on the left) is one of Sherry's dear friends, which means he follows her lead on basically everything.
The Verdict: Like Brandon and Kiki, Andrew and Jackson aren't exactly threatening on their own, but they are close to some very powerful people, so it's another 4/10. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Theo
Theo is Matthew's college-aged son, and while he's not exactly the most drama-free person in Madre Linda, he is definitely one of the most innocent. Personally, I would describe Theo as Forty, but smarter, less impulsive, and with less drugs. His only flaw is that he's attracted to Love, which is a very, very dumb move.
The Verdict: Theo is a threat to Joe and Love's marriage, and he does get points for realizing what Joe and Love are up to in the end, but, let's face it, he is a cinnamon roll who would never hurt a fly. For that, he's a sold 2/10. 🚩🚩
Dante & Lansing
It's unclear whether or not Dante and his husband Lansing actually lives in Madre Linda or a neighboring town, but I'm including them in this post because they're Baby Henry's new parents, and thus deserve some love. Dante, Joe's library co-worker, is probably the least threatening character in You Season 3. He's also smart, loyal, loving, and he has a distaste of influencer culture and a healthy skepticism when it comes to Joe.
The Verdict: At the end of Season 3, the biggest threat Dante poses isn't to the community, but to Joe. If Joe ever comes back from the dead and wants his son back, there's no way Dante and Lansing are going to let Henry go without a fight. Plus, Joe never really looked into Dante, so who knows what he's hiding behind his perfect family life? I'll give him one red flag, just for Joe's sake. 🚩
With neighbors like these, I don't think I could survive one week in Madre Linda. Could you?
Image: JOHN P. FLEENOR/NETFLIX