I have only wanted to "interact" on TikTok once in my life, and that was when I somehow (the algorithm) was served a short 30 second video romanticizing Captain Von Trapp, aka Christopher Plummer, from The Sound of Music. It's called Thirst Trapp TikTok and I didn't want to leave it. Nevertheless, I like to keep a low-key profile on the app and so I thanked the algorithm Gods for showing me the video and kept on swiping.

I've never looked into it, but my understanding is that if you "interact" with something on TikTok — by either liking it, commenting on it, or duetting it — you will "stay" on that trend. Your #fyp — for you page, a curated selection of videos that cater to your interests — will serve you more videos "like that" and you'll be able to live in Thirst Trapp TikTok for the rest of time, without ever needing to know what is going on in the rest of the world. It sounds delightful.

But what happens when you're trapped (and not the good kind) in a TikTok trend and you can't get out? Enter #CouchGuy and Salmon Rice Bowl girl. (Her name is Emily Mariko, and I'll never forget it now.)

There are two recently viral TikToks that have taken over my #fyp that I have not interacted with, not shared, and not liked whatsoever, and yet I cannot escape them. First, there's Emily Mariko's now viral recipe for a salmon rice bowl, and then there's the dude who has affectionately become #CouchGuy thanks to his lack of enthusiasm when getting off the couch after his girlfriend surprises him with a visit.

While I have seen both videos in their original form, the real never-ending Hell is the amount of videos recreating, or for the latter example, parodying the TikToks that started it all. I've watched countless creators (a very generous term for 14 year olds making a mess in their kitchen) go through the full spiel of smushing the salmon, getting the rice, putting the ice cube in, doing the scrunchy thing with the wax paper... I've even watched Lizzo do it! And as for the people sharing their own versions of #CouchGuy... we get it! He wasn't excited! And he definitely handed off the phone! Let it rest, already!

My question now is... how do I get out? For the last week, it's salmon or couches (with the occasional video of Harry Styles on tour). While I am happy for Emily that her recipe has found the reach (and encouraged women to eat carbs) and that Couch Girlfriend believes her boyfriend really wasn't being shady, I want off this ride! I would give anything to watch just six hours straight of people dancing to the "when the sun goes down on my side of town" song if it meant I never had to wonder how an ice cube didn't melt in the microwave again.

Images: TikTok