I Hate Hard Seltzers, And So Should You

- The Dipp -
I Hate Hard Seltzers, And So Should You

This generation – my generation – has taken alcoholic beverages too far. Hard seltzers, wines in cartons, and canned cocktails will be the downfall of this society, not avocado toast.

A hundred years ago our ancestors were just out there drinking old fruit and taking shots of unregulated corn liquor straight to the head. How did we get to the point where I'm arguing with co-workers over an invisible network of tubes about the best flavor of carbonated water spiked with "booze" and a hint of a hint of "fruit"?

While The Dipp squad was having a casual mid-day chat about spirits (shout out to the long weekend ahead), I uttered my distaste for all of these snooty new brands of glorified soda water with an alcoholic base of fermented sugar (that's right, people) and as usual, my takes were completely authentic, but completely chaotic... according to them.

I start out by explaining that hard seltzers have no taste.

Slack convo
Slack Convo

These days, you have to spend damn near $20 for an eight-pack of whatever fuckin' carefully crafted agave-based low-carb hard soda they sell at the Total Wine 40 minutes from your house because NiCoLE DoESn'T WaNt tHe cALoRieS in a good ole Mike's Hard Lemonade.

To combat the cost and the gas money and the literal headache, I challenge you, my good friend, to take whatever non-alcoholic drink you have in your fridge and simply mix that shit with whatever liquor you have on hand. I promise, you'll be okay. It literally goes to the same place (and you'll be drinking real alcohol and not "fermented sugar").

Here are some infamous combos I've tried and lived to write this Installment Of Chaos about:

Berry Fanta + Ciroc

Apple Juice + Hennessy

Capri Sun + Tequila

Gatorade + D'usse

Water + Ketel One

Before I change your life and save you hundreds of dollars, I have to ask, do you have a chaotic drink of choice?

Image: White Claw

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