It's been less than 24 hours since I've watched all four of The Circle's released episodes, and I'm already replacing my "th"s with "v"s. Because Chloe's Essex accent on The Circle is the music of my heart (take that, Lance Bass), and it's taking all my energy to not pop out of quarantine with the personality and voice of cheeky geezer who lufs the clubs. I'm not sure if I used that right, but I heard the post-COVID era is all about reinvention, after all, and, hey, Madonna did it, so why can't I?

Now, is it actually Chloe's voice that I covet, or is it that dynamic, energetic personality that seems all too confined by The Circle's technology to allow her to break out amongst her fellow contestants? After all, no emoji can really do justice to someone who is as excited about receiving a $2 poetry trophy as she is making love connections with a stay-at-home-mom pretending to be a single dad and a personal assistant pretending to be a gay pop star. It's not as easy to fall for a flirty Chloe when you're holed up in the The Circle, but she's making for fantastic TV for us at home, babes.

But I have a bigger problem than the fact that Chloe has never heard of *NSYNC despite England being a pop star mecca: On the internet, you can find countless videos of Kraft singles being thrown on cats' faces or 14-year-olds ruining their lives in an effort to become the next Jake Paul, but you cannot find good content on how to master an Essex accent. Now, I pride myself such an expert internet searcher that I can find any information my friends need about their exes — even the ones with no digital footprint — so this is not on me, readers. (Side note: My friends = me.) But this is the sole quality video I could find that actually teaches me how to become Chloe, lufs.