Katie's Masturbation Ban On 'The Bachelorette' Is When My Soul Left My Body

- The Bachelor -
Katie's Masturbation Ban On 'The Bachelorette' Is When My Soul Left My Body

If you ever wanted to physically watch your skeleton crawl out from underneath your skin, walk across the room, and bash its head into the wall, I suggest you watch this week's episode of The Bachelorette in which Katie implemented a no-masturbation challenge for the remaining men. It's not that talking about sex and masturbation will make your corporeal form self-evict, we know this season has been very (drink every time someone says) sex positive, but just the whole ~thing~, the euphemisms, the jokes, the concept... blah.

When the clip of Katie's WOWO challenge was first released, I assumed it was a joke. She's making a statement, I thought, about how women's bodies are so often regulated by men. Yeah, that's what she's doing! It was gonna be followed with a "Psych! But there's a lesson to be learned" before we never spoke about it again. But then, while watching the episode, I realized the Allison (hey, that's me) who thought it was Katie making A Statement versus making up A Real Challenge was young. She was naive. She was wrong.

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Side note: Talking about sex and masturbation should be normalized, I get it, but I truly can't express enough how horrible it is to hear grown men and women, who are supposedly very sex positive, talk around the word masturbation. Talking about masturbation? Great. Talking about it in euphemisms in an awkward giggly way? Not great. Thank you Kaitlyn for saying "wacking off" even if ABC bleeped you out.

Also, not to be a total downer, but the whole concept of telling men to hold off masturbating is... not very sex positive is it? Aren't these men supposed to celebrate sexuality like Katie has while on the show? Now she's telling them to withhold sexually expressing themselves like it's the town in Footloose? (Also, I know that I sound like a health class right now... moving on to something fun!)

I have a million more questions, and it begins with...

  • Solo hockey?
  • How do they police this?
  • Will people be honest about if they do or don't masturbate?
  • Is Katie going to check in on their progress?
  • What's the purpose?
  • Can we go back to Tayshia thinking it was about not shaving? I wanna see all these guys after one week of no shaving.
  • Will the show make this a running gag the whole season now?
  • Will there be an entire montage at Men Tell All (there will be?)
  • Does anyone else just find this kind of... exhausting sometimes?

Anyway, godspeed gentleman. I'm sure it won't be that hard. (I'M SO SORRY, I'M LEAVING.)

Images: ABC

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