Let's Riff On Clare's 31 'Bachelorette' Contestants, Mmk?

- The Bachelor -
Let's Riff On Clare's 31 'Bachelorette' Contestants, Mmk?

Is there anything better than the delightfully weird bios that first introduce all of us to the cast of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette? With Clare Crawley’s ~journey~ to find love right around the corner — tune in to the season premiere on Tuesday, October 13 — I decided to get acquainted with all of the men vying for the Bachelorette’s heart.

But instead of checking out Chris Harrison’s walk through of all the romantic hopefuls (in which the show’s host would surely lead viewers down the wrong path in order to protect the integrity of yet another most! dramatic! season! ever!), I went straight to the source.

I want to know what the contestants have to say about themselves. Whose biggest fear is flamingos? Who got a tattoo for an ex that they absolutely regret? Who proudly wears his red flags around his neck like a superhero's cape? These men have got it all.

Now, let’s roast — sorry, I mean toast — the guys!

AJ, 28

AJ is a software salesman from Playa Del Rey, Calif. A self-avowed mama’s boy, he says he has a “sincere respect for women,” which hopefully means he won’t fall into the trap of looking for a woman to take care of him in the exact same ways his mom does.

His fun facts include that he learned how to make candles during quarantine (meaning he might just be a man after my own heart), that he knows how to double-dutch (coming for 2007-era Corbin Bleu’s title), and he “doesn’t show up to anything without doing his research first.” Does that mean he’s watched all of the past seasons and knows exactly how to scam the most TV time out of producers? Or does that just mean he knows it’s time to quit the second he doesn’t get the first impression rose?

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Ben, 29

Ben is an army ranger veteran from Venice, Calif. After an injury led to him leaving the armed forces, he’s pivoted to a career working as a personal trainer and is hoping to find someone who is at least as active as he is on the dance floor.

Terrifyingly, however, he claims his favorite “indulgence” is an “ice bath.” Considering this implies he is someone who enjoys pain on a regular basis and also knows how to withstand and incredibly uncomfortable situation, Ben is both someone to be feared and respected. (And incredibly prepared for The Bachelorette.)

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Bennett, 36

Bennett is a wealth management consultant from New York City. He considers himself something of a late bloomer who only became successful and handsome once he was already attending Harvard University (if you attended Harvard University, you are legally obligated to tell everyone that you attended Harvard University).

He claims his romantic life has been a breeze ever since, which confirms that he is probably exactly the kind of man that initially came to mind when you read “wealth management consultant from New York City.” There is one surprise, though! He hates golf!

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Blake Monar, 31

Blake Monar (as opposed to the other Blake, who also has an M. last name, forcing them both to be full firstie-lasties) is a male grooming specialist from Phoenix, Ariz. In case you’re wondering exactly what a “male grooming specialist” does, that means that he’s the big boss at a cosmetic company after an injury pushed him out of an athletic career playing in the MLB.

That might actually make him a good fit for Clare, who has maintained her gig as a hairstylist despite all of her TV appearances over the years. However, his bio also explains that he has never been out of the country, hinting that he might have signed up for the show in hopes of snagging one of those free international vacations they get on most seasons. Tough break, Blake Monar.

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Blake Moynes, 29

Blake Moynes (and I just need to reflect again on how sad it is that not only could neither of them be just Blake or Blake M., they couldn’t even be Blake Mo) is a wildlife manager from Hamilton in Ontario, Canada. He’s looking to get married because all of his friends are married and now he has FOMO. :( Sad.

His passion for the outdoors is reflected in his love for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He also says he wears his heart on his sleeve and has “no problems talking about his emotions,” so the cameras will likely catch him crying at least once.

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Brandon, 28

Brandon is a real estate agent from Cleveland, Ohio. Described by some (me and my boss) as a hotter version of Catfish’s Nev Schulman, Brandon unfortunately knows that he’s hot, as evidenced by his work as a model and his decision to call himself “an Italian stallion.”

He also voluntarily admits that he wore “too much” Ed Hardy back in the day, and I can’t tell if it is a pro that he recognizes that or a con that he publicly acknowledges that period of his life at all. Another potential red flag is that he is looking for someone positive who is “happy and enjoying every moment of life.” Damn, Brandon, can’t a girl be a hater every now and then?

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Brendan, 30

Brendan is a commercial roofer from Milford, Mass. After moving out to Los Angeles in his younger days, he has since moseyed on home to become to live the kind of life you see in a Hallmark movie. He’s working for his family business and wants to be a family man, meaning he’s ready to try for a baby — STAT. That’s gotta be a positive when you compare him to how many fuckboys usually come out of this franchise, right?

He also says a turtleneck is his signature look, which just further emphasizes those small-town-boy-shows-city-girl-the-true-meaning-of-Christmas vibes. He may not be the man for Clare, but I suspect he might be the subject of plenty of viewers’ escapist fantasies.

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Chasen, 31

Chasen is an IT account executive from San Diego, Calif. An apparent oversharer, he reveals he just got out of a “two-year toxic relationship with his co-worker” — yikes. Hope his former co-worker/GF doesn’t watch The Bachelorette.

The good news? He’s ready to shake that heartbreak right off without any lasting damage, which he should be able to do since his friends dubbed him “Wolverine” for his ability to “recover and heal quickly.” Not sure what to do with that information. Anyway!

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Chris, 27

Chris is a landscape design salesman from Salt Lake City, Utah. As a gardening expert (right? Is that what that job title means?), he knows a thing or two about roses, so he’s sure to use a few puns about that come premiere night. He also boasts that he’s got a genius level IQ and is good in bed, so I’m confident that will come up, too!

Other highlights include that he likes camping but not for more than three days at a time (showing that he’s outdoorsy but prefers to poop at home, reasonable) and that he aims to go to 200 countries before he dies (sadly, he’s only been to 20 so far, and The Bachelorette will not be helping him on this journey).

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Dale, 31

Dale is a former pro football wide receiver from Brandon, S.D. After leaving the NFL behind, he transitioned to a life of consulting for “sports wellness and lifestyle brands” in New York, which I don't think was offered to me in the career aptitude test. He says he’s looking for a woman who “wants him but doesn’t need him” and also presumably wants to play Hungry Hungry Hippos, his favorite game.

However, he also says he’s super competitive, has no patience, and is seriously intense so… color me a little scared, honestly! However, I would be remiss if I didn’t add that this is the guy the main Bachelor Nation subreddit has been thirsting over ever since he was first seen holding an umbrella for a producer before production shut down in March.

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Demar, 26

Demar is a spin cycling instructor from Scottsdale, Ariz. The only thing he likes more than pretending to ride a bike while pumping up those around him is pretending to scratch records while pumping up those around him. Demar aspires to be a DJ in Vegas, a gig he’s sure to be able to land if he successfully transitions into becoming an Instagram influencer and the club scene ever recovers from the coronavirus pandemic. Given how hard the world parties after the last pandemic (roaring ‘20s, anyone?), I see a long career ahead of him if he plays his cards right.

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Eazy, 29

Eazy is a sports marketing agent from Newport Beach, Calif. Another pro athlete turned reality romance hopeful, he is hoping to be one half of America’s next power couple. He “dreams of world domination,” so you know that means he needs an epic queen to rule by his side with an iron fist of her own. His only weaknesses? Insects, “especially ones that fly,” and new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. He’s never missed one before, and taking over the free world can wait for one hour on Thursday nights.

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Ed, 36

Ed is a health care salesman from Miami. He’s the kind of man that is looking for a “natural beauty” who doesn’t look “overly fake," which reads to me like he thinks a face full of contour and lash extensions is "natural." Just a guess. Is Clare the woman who will finally go paddle boarding with him, wake up early to put on a little foundation, and pretend that she actually is just sick when he finally sees her bare face?

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Garin, 34

Garin is a professor of journalism from North Hollywood, Calif. Other than describing himself as a “good ol’ Florida boy," there actually aren’t too many red flags in his bio. He’s an extrovert, learned a lot about what he wants in a partner from his last relationship, and is ready to find that. He wants to be a light for the people around him and ensure that everyone is having a good time. It seems like his only flaw is being chronically late — but I can tell you from experience that sometimes that is plenty.

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Ivan, 28

Ivan is an aeronautical engineer from Dallas, Texas. He’s got a great job and a great face, but loses points for describing his own looks as “movie star” level. Though he doesn’t use the word “sapiosexual,” he does write that “intelligence is a huge aphrodisiac” (proving that thesauruses are also a turn-on) and there is nothing that gets him hotter than a “spirited debate with the woman he loves.” Read: He will never gracefully lose an argument. He is also a “recovered Croc enthusiast,” which feels like a bummer. Wear your Crocs with pride, sir! They’re comfy!

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Jason, 31

Jason is a former pro football lineman (jeez, how many NFL players are in this cast?) from Arlington, Va. After getting knocked around one too many times on the field, he decided the constant concussions were not worth the paycheck, so he now works in IT staffing and solutions. That sounds like some good judgment to me.

He’s looking for a woman to challenge him, “handle his sarcasm,” and “put him in his place.” Sounds like Jason might also want to work on his boundaries and compassion on his own, but the first step is acknowledging that you have a problem, right?

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Jay, 29

Jay is a fitness director from Fort Lauderdale, Fla. The “perfect combination of sweet and tough” (is this the guy version of that iconic line from Crazy, Stupid, Love?), he’s obsessed with every song that Drake drops — and, yeah, that tracks with that self-descriptor. However, he hates the club, so he’s just jamming out to Champagne Papi’s tracks at home or in the car, I guess.

His ultimate pet peeve is hanging out with a person who can’t put down their phone, which means that any relationship he finds in Bachelor Nation, whether it’s with Clare on The Bachelorette or with some other alum on Bachelor in Paradise, is bound to fail the second they get their phones back and head out into the real world.

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Jeremy, 40

Jeremy is a banker from Washington, D.C. The “oldest contestant to ever come on The Bachelorette,” he says he’s definitely ready to settle down, he just hasn’t found the perfect woman for him. He’s come close a couple of times, but ultimately D.C. women are just too “type-A” for him, which is interesting since he seems pretty type-A himself.

In addition to being a literal banker, he’s also been super productive during quarantine: He learned to paint and taught himself to rollerblade. Check that out! If things don’t work out with Clare, he’s pretty much shitouttaluck in this franchise, because he “hates Instagram models” — a.k.a. the majority of the show's recent stars.

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Joe, 36

Joe is an anesthesiologist from New York City. After working on the front lines during the Coronavirus crisis, Dr. Joe has earned himself a much needed vacation, and he apparently decided to spend it in the ultimate quarantine surrounded by other dudes.

While that brings his decision making abilities into question for me, but the fact that his “biggest turn off” is “someone who litters” shows that he might just have a good head on his shoulders after all. And if that didn’t convince you, he was also once voted Top 20 Most Eligible Doctors and Medical Professionals in New York City.

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Jordan C., 26

Jordan C. is a software account executive from New York City. After becoming “the man of the house” at only 8 years old when his dad passed, he’s ready to take on the role again in his own household. The main problem? His sister has become something of a barrier to making that happen. She shoots down every love interest he has, which seems like a recipe for disaster.

He would also like you to know that he “would love to learn to salsa dance” and “would not go swimming with sharks” for anything or any amount of money in the world, which just leaves me wondering how exactly the producers are going to fly in a shark to swim around in a salt water pool for one of Jordan C.’s underwater salsa dancing dates.

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Jordan M., 30

Jordan M. is a cyber security engineer from Santa Monica, Calif. The first thing that you should know about him (and the first thing you are sure to notice about him)? He’s 6’8”. Yes. You read that right. Six feet and eight inches tall.

The next thing is that he’s “a little shy,” which is totally understandable. When no one around you is literally on your level, how can you expect to learn to relate to people? Despite that, he assures you he’s a little bit like a modern Renaissance man: He goes to hiking and hacking competitions, he’s an engineer and a poet, and he works with software while dreaming of getting his hands dirty in a classic car restoration shop. So there’s a little bit of everything going on here.

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Kenny, 39

Kenny is a boy band manager (what!!!!!! For who!!!!!! Tell me everything!!!!!) from Chicago, Ill. He primarily works with cover bands (which means he probably can’t introduce me to Harry Styles, tragically), so he’s always ready to sprinkle a little throwback wordplay into the conversation. He’s over having ~no strings attached~ relationships and wants to say ~bye bye bye~ to dating, that kind of stuff.

Worth noting that he is looking for a woman who is not “controlling, fake or wrongly opinionated.” Wrongly opinionated. Wrongly. Opinionated. Sorry, I just needed to sit with that phrase for a minute. If you are somehow wrongly opinionated, Kenny says you should be “ready for a spirited conversation,” because he “doesn’t let things slide easily.” Thanks, I hate it.

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Mike, 39

Mike is a digital media advisor from Calgary in Alberta, Canada. A “total Canadian stereotype,” he promises to be nice to you, watch hockey, and stan Shania Twain (as we all should). Admitting he “put up serious walls” after a bad breakup, he’s learned how to break them down, hinting that he is the rare man who recognized he needed and then actually obtained therapy.

He also doesn’t acknowledge Season 8 of Game of Thrones and would choose to hang with dinosaurs if given the option to travel through time. Is Mike perfect??? Is Mike going to make me eat these words once we actually meet him on screen? Only time will tell.

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Page, 37

Page is a chef from Austin, Texas. A man who has demonstrated that he not only knows how to cook but also raise a child (he’s a single dad!), he’s basically wearing the words “husband material” on a graphic tee. As opposed to so many of the other men who specified that they are looking for a woman who is in shape and prioritizes her physical health and blah blah blah, he only mentions he wants someone with whom he can share a “night filled with good food” and “stimulating conversation.” That sounds good to me, TBH!

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Riley, 30

Riley is an attorney from Long Island City, N.Y. A self-professed “workaholic,” he is looking to “shift his priorities” and finally focus on his love life. Though he is all about being able to “carry a good conversation” with any potential partners, he is completely unwilling to have any of those conversations within five feet of a museum. I’m not sure why this is a deal-breaker for him, but hey, at least he knows his limits, right?

Instead, he’d rather you chat his ear off at a baseball game, something you can do together for the rest of your lives as he takes you on a tour of every single MLB stadium in the country. Yes, he really wants to do that.

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Robby, 31

Robby is an insurance broker from Tampa, Fla. A traditional family man, he works for his family’s company and says his parents and older sister are the people he admires most in the world. Though he’s looking to settle down and start a family of his own, he’s currently spending his time hopping between Florida and Los Angeles, California while dedicating every Sunday to playing a full 18 holes on the golf course, so you’d better be willing to keep an open schedule.

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Tyler C., 27

Tyler C. is a lawyer from Morgantown, W.Va. With a name like Tyler C., he’s already got some pretty big shoes to follow in when it comes to the Bachelorette franchise, but he sounds more like a mix of Jed and Luke P. with (hopefully, at least) a splash of actual consideration and respect for others.

Describing himself as a “kind southern gentleman” and a “cowboy,” he hints he’s not totally free of red flags. He’s upfront about the fact that he’s been picky in the past, but he’s hoping to pick Clare to be his cowgirl for life.

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Tyler S., 36

Tyler S. is a music manager from Georgetown, Texas. Brother to country singer Granger Smith (and, by extension, Granger Smith’s alter ego Earl Dibbles Jr.), he’s ready for his own turn in the spotlight. But he doesn’t want all of the trappings of fame that come with that touring life, like “fangirls or groupies.” Instead, he wants a woman with an Instagram account he can proudly show off to his mama, hinting he will be one of those contestants that is happy to kiss the Bachelorette on night one but annoyed if she also kisses anyone else throughout the whole experience.

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Yosef, 30

Yosef is a medical device salesman from Daphne, Ala. After getting married (and then divorced) young, Yosef and his ex are focused on co-parenting their 4-year-old daughter, but he’s not ready to give up on love just yet. Admitting that he talks too much and has a lot of “enthusiasm and zest for life,” he hints that he may just be an exhausting person to be around, but he’s always ready to pump up the party.

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Zac C., 36

Zac C. is an addiction specialist from Haddonfield, N.J. An expert at helping those in recovery transition from rehab back to normal life, Zac says he’s doing better than ever in his own sobriety and just wants to find a woman who he can share a Philly cheesesteak with while watching the Philadelphia Eagles play at the Super Bowl. That whole football thing might be a specific order, but the sandwich seems like a fair ask to me.

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Zach J., 37

Zach J. is a cleaning service owner from St. George, Utah. He’s ready to blow all of these other guys out of the water purely by virtue of having nursed a crush on Clare since she first let loose on then-Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis all those years ago. He “believes Clare is the perfect woman for him,” which has me worried that he will also come in with a Luke P.-esque attitude where he is unable to help the Bachelorette gracefully step down from the platform he’s placed her on.

Other than that, he says he’s fun, outgoing, charismatic, empathetic, fun, and clever — and apparently humble, too!

Follow Zach J. on Instagram

So which one of these men will win Clare’s heart?

I’ve already got my bets placed … and I’ve been snooping at the spoilers for this season. I’m not about to spill any of this show’s secrets without permission (although if you want to read them, all you have to do is click here), but all I can say is that I can’t wait to see how these 31 guys roll with the punches. It’s always a rollercoaster on The Bachelorette, and this season is going to be a particularly wild ride.

Images: ABC

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