Welcome to Retro Recaps, where we revisit your favorite old shows and give them the modern recap treatment that they always deserved. We've done Buffy's silent episode, Friends' 18-page letter, Sex and the City's Fleet Week episode, Gossip Girl's Snowflake Ball episode, The O.C.'s Chrismukkah episode, Lost's "The Constant," Gilmore Girls' dance marathon episode, and that bonkers One Tree Hill episode where a dog ate a heart. (Check out all our Retro Recaps here.) Today, we dive into Beverly Hills, 90210. Caution: snark ahead.

With the initial “Bah-da da-da, Bah da da-da, CLAP CLAP” of the Beverly Hills, 90210 theme song, I am immediately swept back to my middle school days of watching this show religiously so that I could talk about every single detail of it with my female friends at school the next day. Dylan’s square jaw and long sideburns and Brandon peering over his tiny, octagonal sunglasses get me twitching in all the down there parts just like they used to.

Of all the episodes of 90210 that I loved and are lodged in my memory, none was as memorable as the one “U4EA,” which was the 15th episode of the second season, and aired for the first time on Nov. 14, 1991. (According to Wikipedia, it had 20.8 million viewers, a figure that today would make it just about the most watched show on television by a healthy margin.) Yes, this is one of the episodes where Brandon was dating lying psychopath Emily Valentine, a storyline that would prove a pivot from its origins as a normal teen show into something that was much more like a soap opera.