Welcome to Retro Recaps, where we revisit your favorite old shows and give them the modern recap treatment that they always deserved. We've done Buffy's silent episode, Friends' 18-page letter, and Sex and the City's Fleet Week episode. Today, we dive into The O.C., bitch. Caution: snark ahead.

Before this assignment, I have never, not even once, seen an episode of The O.C. And not only that, I know practically nothing about it. The way that it mostly impacts my life is that it is the fictional precursor to both Laguna Beach slash The Hills and Real Housewives of Orange County, three of the greatest entries into the cannon of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences. So, thank you for that, The O.C. Still, my knowledge is foggy; the only two things I know about it are: “Welcome to the O.C., bitch” and the Chrismukkah episodes.

Since I am a sucker for a Hallmark movie about the most wonderful time of the year, I decided to start at Chrismukkah (Season 1, Episode 13, "The Best Chrismukkah Ever") and I was shocked that A) my computer’s spell-check recognizes this pop cultural artifact as spelled correctly and B) there’s not a lot of holiday cheer in the episode.

The holiday gets its name from Seth Cohen, the star of the show according to everyone who has never gotten their body-fat low enough to see their abdominal muscles and girls without daddy issues. As he explains it, “From my father, a poor struggling Jew, Christmas meant a movie and Chinese food. For my mother, the WASP, it meant a tree, stockings and all the trimmings.”