Kendall Toole’s 45 Minute 2000s Ride: A Journey of Ex Boyfriends

- Pelo Talk -
Kendall Toole’s 45 Minute 2000s Ride: A Journey of Ex Boyfriends

Welcome to Pelo Talk, where we'll consistently update every now and again with articles and thoughts that relate to Peloton. In this column, journey with Dipp CEO Kate Ward as she rides along with Kendall Toole, and learns way too much in the process.

We’ve come to that point in quarantine where up feels like down, reality feels like fiction, and the lack of social interaction has led us to talk to our wine glasses. What’s the phrase? “It’s not the journey, it’s the inanimate objects we’ve befriended along the way”? Something like that.

So it’s little surprise that I’ve found kinship with the other person in my house who screams into an empty room as if everything is normal: my Peloton instructor.

We have an interesting relationship. I know them just about as well as the trombone player from Blood, Sweat, & Tears (which is to say, not at all, despite the fact that he’s my cousin), but talk about as if they are the trombone player from Blood, Sweat, & Tears (which is to say, like they’re my cousin). In just 45 minutes, my Peloton pushes me, inspires me, and sees me — sometimes, I think, like, literally sees me, because Black Mirror taught me technology is 10 times scarier than I thought it was, and I saw The Net.

So why not give my Peloton class the same recap treatment given to the other forms of entertainment that have brought us periodic joy between bouts of expletive-filled rage? (Looking at you, Lost).

That’s right — I’m here to recap Kendall Toole’s 45-minute 2000s ride from Feb. 14, 2021, because, what is it they say? “If you don’t turn your anxiety into a useless creative endeavor, you cry”? Something like that.

Alone in my basement, I press “start” on the screen and am jolted by a “What’s up, Peloton!” shout that proves these instructors always — and I feel like this is a reference that Jen Sherman would at least appreciate — go to 11. Also, am I Peloton? Or is the bike Peloton? Are we both Peloton? Do I exist outside Peloton? Who am I? And why am I buying this new pair of Peloton leggings that won’t arrive for three months.

Anyway, Kendall is outfitted like Alex Mack at the 10 Things I Hate About You prom, only with spandex and a distressing lack of butterfly clips. It’s a fitting color palette considering the day, and Kendall continues the Valentine’s Day metaphor as we start the class, telling us that our cadence and resistance numbers work in tandem like “little relationships.” It’s a tenuous link, but that doesn’t matter, because this Valentine’s class is a way for our beloved instructor to absolutely dunk on her ex-boyfriends. Iconic. Turn your resistance knob all the way down to 0 and make way for all this dramah.

We start like every great pink-plated journey to self-worth begins, with the Elle Woods-approved “Perfect Day” by Hoku. Somehow, there’s no mention that exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy, but Kendall does tell us, “If you’re still dating Warners, let’s move on,” and, boy oh boy, didn’t that turn out to be way too true. She shouts out a rider who is named Garrison Ford, and my output falls behind because all I can think about is the new Star Wars spin-off Lake Wookiegon.

(Shout out to the 3% of you who understood this very good joke.)

We move onto Halsey’s “Bad At Love,” and this is where it starts to get good. Kendall tells us to watch out for relationship warning signs, and passes along some words of wisdom from a family member named Susie: “If you happen to have enough red flags for your own damn parade, you’re Joseph Stalin it’s time to let them go.”

She reminds us that red flags are “things that were cute” before you realize they are not, and I nearly pass away remembering how I used to laugh at my ex-boyfriend’s Jim Carrey impression. Never date anyone who does a Jim Carrey impression. In fact, never date anyone who does any celebrity impressions. Except Chloe Fineman, she’s brilliant, and my Regis Philbin is pretty good too, by the way.

Kendall ends the song by telling us she’s “had a lot of parades in her lifetime,” and kicks off Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold” with a short unrequited love tale about her third grade valentine, Davis. Kendall then punishes riders who have “been in a hot and cold relationship” by telling them to raise their resistance, but given the closest hot and cold relationship I’ve had is with a microwaved hot pocket, I stay right where I am, suckas. She then tells us, “the only rollercoaster you need in your life is the one you pay way too much for at Six Flags,” and this hits home to those of us who lost a $2,000 iPhone on the Superman ride.

Story time! We kick off a climb to Beyoncé and Shakira’s “Beautiful Liar” with some tea: In college, Kendall discovered she was the other woman in a relationship. (Add three to five.) And she found out when he tweeted a photo of his girlfriend, not anticipating she’d see it. (Add three to five.) But rather than directing anger towards his girlfriend, she reached out, apologized and told her she had no idea. (Add three to five.) And, to this day, they’re still friends. (Add three to five.) “So, in a way, he tried to play us both, but little did he know, honey, you’re the one who got played” and oh my god this is adorable and all but my legs, my legs, my legs are on fire.

Before I take a Louisville slugger to my screen, we get sweet relief with Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats,” and a story that — well, I’m not saying I’m afraid of Kendall, but I’m not not saying I’m afraid of Kendall. “I don’t endorse damaging someone’s property” — “Close call,” says Peloton Legal — “but the sentiment of this song is so real.” 😬, says Peloton Legal. Kendall tells us she was cheated on a second time, and found out while on vacation in Aruba.

“I don’t care how happy an island Aruba is, and it was beautiful, but you don’t play me like that. No one plays me like that. So let me say, not my proudest moment. My hand-eye coordination with my very chunky heel might have been a little on point that day. Whoops.”

Like I said, not not afraid of her.

But then she pairs Alanis’ Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” with the mantra, “Am I bleaching red flags white? Hello, my name is Clorox!” and if that doesn’t have the same energy as “Are you thinking of me when you fuck her,” then I’m not someone who bought the City Of Angels soundtrack just for the first three minutes of “Uninvited.” Kendall hints at always being the “penultimate girlfriend” and I want her to unpack that, but then she shouts out a rider who I believe was named Frittata Tabata Tacos, and it’s all I can think about now.

She qualifies the next song, “Shots,” with the Peloton Legal approved, “We’ve all done this if you’re over the age of 21,” before bringing it down with Lewis Capaldi and asking us to raise the resistance if we stepped away from a relationship because we cared enough about the person to know we are better separate. We learn that Kendall had a person like this in her life, but they are still friends, “and he is madly in love with the perfect woman,” but you know he still cries through her low impact rides.

We move on to a self-empowering Billie Eilish and Britney Spears, where Kendall talks about a period when she focused on herself, and then, “I got a call from my boo Cody Rigsby, and he said, ‘You got the job, you’re moving to New York City.” Of course I know they are friends, because if you’re a Peloton user who claims to have never looked through Instagram to find out which instructors are friends and which are not, then you are not really a Peloton user.

A requisite shout-out to Britney during “Stronger” leads us to Sam Smith’s “Latch,” and a story about a Barb and Star-esque girls’ trip to El Salvador in early 2020 that helped Kendall find herself. She tells us she went on a hike with her friends, jumped off a waterfall cliff, “and it turns out I fell into something else. Peloton, five to 10.” Excuse me? You can’t leave me hanging there. Fell into what? A rock? A mermaid Reba McEntire? What, Kendall, what?!

“Someone was in the pool and we started talking … I wasn’t like, ‘Oh my god, is he the one?’ All I thought was, he’s a hot guy, he’s nice, he’s from California, cool, whatever, maybe I’ll talk to him again, I’ll probably never see him again in my life. Well, life has a funny way, so stop trying to find it, and start accepting it.”

If every Peloton instructor jumped off a waterfall and found their true love, would you? (Don’t answer that, says Peloton Legal.)

During a penultimate “Beneath Your Beautiful,” Kendall tells us, “Jerry Maguire is a damn liar,” because “there is no one out there that completes you” and he definitely knows where Shelly Miscaviage is. Suddenly, Kendall is inhabited by the ghost of Jen Sherman because we’re ending on Coldplay and then, some final words of advice:

“It’s all chapters, some people are meant to be there for a paragraph or a sentence, or a tweet. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone you’ll close the book with.”

Gorgeous. In just 45 minutes, I lived, learned, and leaned in third position. Now time to bond with Denis while he works my biceps with a story about a cockatoo. Everything’s fine.

Images: Peloton

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