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Who's The Best Roommate On 'New Girl'? Time To Consult The Loft Agreement

- New Girl -
Who's The Best Roommate On 'New Girl'? Time To Consult The Loft Agreement

Nick Miller outlined the pros and cons of living with women in the New Girl pilot (pro: they smell nice, con: they'll break down your will to live), but no matter their gender or whether they were repeat Douchebag Jar offenders, all of the loft roommates on New Girl had pros and cons. Although arguing over who the best character is can be too subjective (we all know it's Winston anyway), who the best roommate on New Girl is can be figured out with a cold hard list.

Many people have lived in and out of the loft over New Girl's seven seasons. And perhaps none was worse than Fred Armisen's Brandon in Season 5's "No Girl" (singing shirtless at the urinal was just the tip of the iceberg with him). But Jess, Schmidt, Nick, Winston, Coach, Cece, and even Reagan all had their faults when staying in the Los Angeles loft. Let's see how it really goes down in Apartment 4D by finding out the best roommate with a good old-fashioned list of pros and cons.

Jess

  • Pro: Bakes delicious treats
  • Pro: Crafts. so. much.
  • Con: Keeps loose peanuts in her nightstand — a mouse infestation waiting to happen
  • Pro: Keeps loose peanuts in her nightstand — who among the non-allergic population would turn down night peanuts?
  • Con: Sings everything
  • Con: Gets you dangerously close to entering into a threesome with your landlord
  • Con: Keeps a bag of (fake) crystal meth in her closet
  • Pro: Doesn't know what real crystal meth looks like
  • Pro: Watches Dirty Dancing and drinks rosé
  • Con: Lots of crying
  • Con: Walks in on you naked (and then deigns to laugh!)
  • Pro: Replaces the TV that she breaks, even if it causes her emotional distress
  • Con: Goes through your box unauthorized
  • Pro: ...in order to help you get out of debt
  • Pro: Leaves bowl of advice when she's sequestered for jury duty

Total: Pros: 8, Cons: 7

Schmidt

  • Pro: Cooks and cleans... and happily, I might add
  • Con: ...but he has to be in full control (it's a fragile ecosystem)
  • Con: Commissions sexually-charged zero-gravity tea ceremony murals that will magically move from the closet to the wall behind the bed
  • Con: May think of you when he's making love to himself
  • Con: Often shirtless
  • Con: Does many Douchebag Jar worthy things
  • Pro: Keeps the Douchebag Jar flush with cash
  • Pro: Gives up the big room to you (as long as it's the name of him being the top dog)
  • Pro: Celebrates roommate anniversary milestones
  • Pro: Has a lost and found of his past sexual partners that you can shop in
  • Con: Wears a key-mono
  • Con: Parkours in the house
  • Pro: Pays additional rent — plus inflation! — for his extra toiletries (body gelato, hair chutney, etc.)
  • Con: Controls the decor — no street-picked hutches allowed
  • Pro: On 24-hour grout watch
  • Pro: Pays the lion's share of the utilities
  • Con: Terrified of spiders, will demand spiderhunt
  • Con: Provides TMI, e.g., "I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day"

Total: Pros: 8, Cons: 10

Nick

  • Con: Doesn't pay you back
  • Pro: Not too shabby of a secretary — he tried at least!
  • Con: Puts whole avocados and bubblegum into the blender he bought you as a wedding gift
  • Con: Gets you dangerously close to entering into a threesome with your landlord
  • Con: A bit of a drunk
  • Con: May think about you "a bunch of times" when delighting himself
  • Con: Eats your date's food when you have them stay over
  • Chaotic neutral: Uses a garbage disposal stick and fixes plumbing
  • Pro: Makes shockingly good Sauce
  • Con: He angry fixes the sink
  • Pro: Installs a rain shower
  • Con: ... but with duct tape
  • Con: Wears a nude-colored long shirt to bed (it keeps his top really warm and lets his bottom breathe!)
  • Pro: Keeps the long shirt under wraps
  • Con: Does not pay for the Wi-fi nor does he know how to pronounce it (wiffi)
  • Pro: Gives parking spot up to the roomie who needs the win the most
  • Con: Eats Mexican food in other roommate's rooms
  • Con: Electrifies roommates (banned from electrical work)
  • Con: Steals incorrectly delivered packages containing women's coats
  • Con: "Basically a hoarder"

Total: Pros: 5, Cons: 14

Winston

  • Con: Stores his fiancée's Japanese game show spoils in the apartment
  • Pro: Karaoke, trampoline jumping, and hippos to ride are on demand
  • Con: May have a sex dream about you where you have raccoon hands
  • Pro: Has furry cat companion Furguson
  • Con: Hosts cat brothel in his room
  • Con: Hits you with his morning wood
  • Pro: Decorates wall with a framed, groundbreaking poster of dogs playing poker
  • Con: Damages wall hanging that very groundbreaking poster
  • Con: Becomes completely consumed by puzzles
  • Con: Has sex in the kitchen sink
  • Con: ... and disposes of his condoms post-sex in the kitchen sink
  • Pro: Flips crêpes on a plate like a boss
  • Pro: Weirdly smooth on the phones
  • Pro: Turns empty rooms into exercise rooms for crab walks and other fitness
  • Pro: Uses Bunny Money from the Velvet Bunny to feed his roommates
  • Con: Pranks so hard it may lead you to falsely believe you are being evicted

Total: Pros: 7, Cons: 9

Coach

  • Con: Drops loose olives under the bed
  • Chaotic neutral: Decor is very sparse
  • Con: Very committed to the sports schedule
  • Con: Seals up his bedroom during basketball season
  • Con: Doesn't know how to talk to women, female roommates included
  • Pro: Barely present, so it's like you're living alone

Total: Pros: 1, Cons: 4

Cece

  • Con: Utterly worthless at packing to move out
  • Con: Hot slob

Total: Pros: 0, Cons: 2

Reagan

  • Con: Wants to get rid of everything Jess owns
  • Con: Will secretly be living in another apartment
  • Pro: But she'll still pay rent!

Total: Pros: 1, Cons: 2

The Winner

Who's that roommate? It's Jess! The only roommate whose pros outweigh their cons. Take that, Nick.

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Images: FOX

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