It doesn’t matter that May 2021 has been one of the best months for Hollywood gossip in almost two years; the only news story I care about is the high-stakes divorce of Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates. (Or, as I liked to call them, Mr. Computer and his ex, the woman formerly known as Mrs. Computer.)

Yes, Ariana Grande just got married to a random realtor; any day now, we might see Jennifer Lopez carry a Dunkin’ cup; and there’s more Tristan and Khloe intrigue than an episode of Bridgerton. But who cares about those flashy A-listers when articles about the Belinda split are piling up? The once-benevolent and banal high-profile relationship is giving us whiplash with twists and turns worthy of sweeps season. It’s like the time I dipped a shortbread cookie in picante pineapple salsa — what was once sweet and bland transformed into an incredibly dynamic treat.

But given that Gates is hardly a matinee idol suited for Us Weekly's pages — those are typically reserved for business billionaires whose names end with Kardashian — why can't we look away? The reason is simple: Bill Gates was perceived as the last “good” tech billionaire. He was the one who was supposed to use his billions, his brains, and his influence to actually change the world via The Bill And Melinda Gates Foundation, all while acting as a role model for #relationshipgoals. Unfortunately, this glimpse into his poor behavior — which includes, among other things, accusations of romantic relationships with Microsoft employees during his marriage — has shattered the last hope that someone with real money could be a good leader and/or a selfless hero and/or, most of all, content.