I bought an air fryer on Tuesday. During the two plus years of a stay-at-home pandemic and hours of watching TikTok recipes I'd never make, I held out. But it was Tuesday, May 3, that I finally caved and bought a $120 air fryer + $2.99 overnight shipping, because if I didn't have the air fryer by 8 a.m. Wednesday morning, why was I doing this at all?

Maybe I finally caved because, that Tuesday, I was bitten by the cooking bug and made a really yummy meal that gave me the false confidence of "I could do this every night." Maybe it was because, that Tuesday, I cleaned out my pantry and found the perfect 2 ft. by 2 ft. square space for a future gadget. Maybe it was because, that Tuesday, the news cycle was so grim, that the reinvention into an Air Fryer Girl seemed like the perfect escape.

The serotonin-fueled rush that comes with making a rash decision to reinvent yourself as a(n) _____ Girl on a Tuesday comes second to slamming your laptop closed on a Friday at, like, 5:43 p.m. You've decided you are officially a new person, someone who can't be tethered to the old, antiquated ways of life, whether that be a 9-6 job or a conventional gas oven.

Becoming an Air Fryer Girl on a Tuesday will lead you to ask yourself a series of questions that fill you with so much distraction, the looming void of life's biggest unknowns – Does your partner really love you? Is your boss going to fire you tomorrow? Will you be able to cross the street as a woman without asking a man for permission first? – become obsolete. Now, instead, you're wondering: Will you finally make that salmon TikTok recipe, you know, the one with the dijon mustard? Or will you become someone who only uses avocado oil now? Will having a favorite cut of a French fry become your new personality trait?

And even though you know that you will probably only use it three or four times before the weight of being an Air Fryer Girl makes you exile it into that 2 ft. by 2 ft. space in your pantry, you'll have picked up another thing to adapt your lifestyle into. You know who has a lot of air fryer-friendly meals? Trader Joe's. Boom, you're a TJ's Girl now.

And when those two weeks are over, you become a Running Girl, because it was really nice that one Monday you stopped by TJ's, and you saw someone in a cute Lululemon set that you had to have. Your new obsession with Lululemon's Align Leggings make you into a Yoga Girl; which turns you into a Tea Girl; which turns you into a Window Herb Garden Girl; tempting you with a two week test run as a Vegan Girl; then you realize your moral compass isn't that strong and you get back on track by becoming a Plant Girl; later on a Dog Mom (because why stop at the responsibility of just keeping plants alive); which causes you to get served bespoke dog collars on Instagram that you'll shove into your Planned Parenthood tote next to that 2 ft. by 2 ft. space in your pantry, leading you to become Online Shopping Addiction Girl; and before you know it, you're thousands of dollars in debt, living in an apartment full of nylon, self-sustained O2, and a dog with separation anxiety and... an air fryer.