When I first dove into Bridgerton, I expected to be visually ambushed with attractive people, colorful dresses, insane hairstyles I will absolutely attempt because where the hell am I going these days, the urge to use an English accent for all future Zoom meetings, and at least one corgi. (I got almost all of these — turns out, the Queen likes Pomeranians!)
What I wasn't expecting was to be presented a family of four brothers and four sisters, in which all of the Bridgerton brothers look exactly the same, as if they were copy and pasted versions of each other.
Brothers Bridgerton remind me of a white sock — hear me out! — they remind me of a white sock that looks a certain way before you put it in the washing machine, and when it comes out it looks... slightly different. Just enough for you to say, This isn't the same sock I put in, but OK. Anthony, Colin, and Benedict Bridgerton are all different wash cycles of this sock. (I'm leaving Gregory Bridgerton out of this, because I have yet to know him. But one day, young Gregory, you too shall be compared to a laundered sock.)
So how do I personally tell the three eldest brothers apart while watching Bridgerton? Their sideburns, obviously. Anthony is sporting what can only be described as the most offensive sideburns of the family, so long I fear they're get caught in his belt loop. Colin's sideburns have a bit of a flare to them — a scoop that I can simply only compare to a Frito. Benedict's are just there. See? Easy.
That is, until you remove their faces from the photos. Call it facial blindness or call it a total disinterest in anything other than Simon and Daphne's love story and Penelope and Eloise's friendship, but when presented with photos that morph the brothers' faces into blobs of nothing, I'm left as utterly confused as the Featherington daughters are about Marina's "condition." (Pregnancy.)
So how would you do in a blind test of Bridgerton brothers?
1. Who could it be?
This scene is particularly difficult because not only are the identical men of Bridgerton all in it, but they're wearing the exact same thing. (Does Lady Whistledown not also act as a Joan Rivers-esque Fashion Police?) It's like some twisted 19th Century Mary-Kate & Ashley movie, except they're not twins, it's not cute to match, and in real life, they're not even related.
2. Do you know the identity of this man?
Here's a clue: This brother is not the brother from the image before. I know we may want to say it is, but it's not.
3. Here's an easy one...
In case the ambiance is not a clue enough, peep those 'burns. They're hard to ignore in that they're literally SCREAMING AT YOU IN CAPS LOCK they're so long.
4. I call this one Command + C, then Command + V
Just when you thought you knew, I present to you the double whammy. It's like that scene in The Parent Trap where the camp counselor is trying to "break up this little love fest" and can't tell the girls apart. Benedict, Colin? I mean Colin, Benedict? I mean... Whoa.
5. Seeing double yet?
The good news to having two Bridgerton brothers in one scene? You have a 66% chance of getting the names right. Now it's just a matter of knowing what name goes to what (identical) face.
6. Who art thou?
Just kidding, this is not a Bridgerton... far from it, actually. No matter how grainy it may be, you're probably able to spot Nigel Berbrooke's face from a mile away — just in time to run.
7. ... And we're back
Who could be talking to Daphne and Simon in this particular scene?
8. Do you know who you're talking to Eloise?
If only this touching scene between brother and sister ended with her calling him the wrong name. "Sorry, which one are you again?"
9. From afar it's worse
It could, truthfully, be any man, anywhere. But it's not. It's a Bridgerton brother. My one clue: It's not Gregory.
10. Who is Daphne dancing with?
Daphne really shines at the balls in Bridgerton. So much so, she catches the eye of a few different suitors. That's right, this is not a Bridgerton brother (the sideburns got you, didn't they?). Instead, it's a shot of Daphne dancing with *checks notes* Lord Thompkins? Even Daphne wasn't sure of his name.
11. In the Gossip Girl voice, say it with me... "Who am I?"
The one thing you've got to give the Bridgerton brothers is that they all have their own thing going on. Anthony is pretty good at being a dick and has that star-crossed lover thing going on with Siena, the opera singer. Benedict is discovering himself and the art scene through a bohemian lifestyle. And Colin is about to promise himself to Marina while Penelope pines for him from across the road.
Does any of that help you figure out who this is? No.
12. Is he mom's favorite, perhaps?
Lady Violet Bridgerton is the supportive mother of all the Bridgerton clan: Anthony, Benedict, Colin, Daphne, Eloise, Francesca, Gregory, and Hyacinth. She loves her children unconditionally and allows them all to be their own person. Except for Anthony, Benedict, and Colin, who are not their own person, because they're the same.
Answers
1. Benedict Bridgerton
2. Colin Bridgerton
3. Anthony Bridgerton
4. Colin Bridgerton (left) and Benedict Bridgerton (right)
5. Anthony Bridgerton (left) and Benedict Bridgerton (right)
6. Nigel Berbrooke
7. Anthony Bridgerton
8. Benedict Bridgerton
9. Colin Bridgerton
10. Lord Thompkins
11. Anthony Bridgerton
12. Colin Bridgerton
It seems we have some studying up to do while we hope for a Season 2 of Bridgerton. We should also hope at least one of these boys gets a noticeable haircut. Please.
Images: Netflix