This is probably one of the most common questions I get asked, so you’re not alone. 

Some of us are wired to listen first, some are wired to listen TO fix (this wiring may be nature or nurture). 

The best thing we can do to set us and our partners up for success is to say what you need at the beginning. 

EX: “Hey honey, I want to share something about work with you — and i really just need space to vent, I’m not ready for advice or fixes yet. Is that something you can do?” (And vice versa!)

I'm definitely the "fixer" in my relationship. What worked for us is for me to ask my partner, explicitly, what she wants from me. "Are you in venting mode right now, or problem-solving mode?"

Sometimes she genuinely wants to attack the problem head on. Sometimes she just needs to rage. I can help with either one! I just need to know what. 

Oh gosh, as the SO who is a fixer...I need to listen to the answers here!! I think the biggest thing for me was the my SO told me he didn't want answers, he just wanted to vent. It took many times of being told this, but I am FINALLY more aware of my behavior which makes it easier stop. So...you may have to say something to your SO in a nice way. Maybe even randomly one day, so you're not already upset and then start lashing out at him for this behavior. 1/2

Hi Rachel! Would love some advice. I love my SO to pieces, and he's wonderful, but something has been grating on me lately. Sometimes, when I'm frustrated with something that has nothing to do with him, he has the tendency to try to immediately fix whatever problem I'm having. It's admittedly helpful sometimes, but, other times I'm so exhausted with said problem that him suggesting a fix just makes me even more overwhelmed. Plus, I don't always agree with his POV, and if I don't immediately accept his advice, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. 

I am sympathetic to him, because sometimes I do want advice, and other times I don't. So how do I solve this without confusing or offending him?

How do I get my SO to listen instead of "fix"?

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Psychotherapist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT (she/her) is recognized as one of the freshest voices on modern relationships, mental health, and sex. This is your space, and hers, to talk about it all.