Kelly Conaboy is writing an advice column for Dipp readers. It's going to be very serious. So serious, in fact, we named it Very Serious: An Advice Column by Kelly Conaboy. Just slide into our (or Kelly's) DMs with your most crucial conundrums and each week, Kelly will solve one lucky reader's biggest problem in life. This week, Kelly tackles the stars.

Dear Kelly,

First time long time, I guess. Here is what I need advice about. People are always trying to tell me what my astrological sign says about me as a person, but astrology is made up and I don't like people thinking they know things about me because of my birthday. Do I tell them, "I don't have an astrological sign"? Do I just just clench my jaw until I get TMJ and not express my frustration? What do I do? Run away? Write an op-ed about it?

Thanks,
Noah

Dearest Noah,

I wasn’t sure whether I should give you an advice column pseudonym, so I came up with one just in case: Astrology Rarely Interests the Extremely Skeptical. Impressive, yes? Ultimately I decided to leave your name, but I spent several minutes on the pseudonym, so I think you understand why I feel the need to include it. I will use it to reference you beginning now.

Oh, ARIES. I understand. At one point I was interested in astrology because every month my horoscope told me I was about to become very successful. Success moon is in your solar house, it would say. The money and creativity stars are in unison, and they’re shining brightly on your success sector — this means great things for the upcoming month. This was very exciting for me. I waited and waited for my success to come, breath abate. And, well … for reasons you might be able to guess, I no longer have faith in astrology.