Bachelor in Paradise is chaotic. You've got hotel room escapades, fights on the beach, and breakups on prom night. And yet, between all of those things that occurred on Tuesday night's episode, nothing was more chaotic than the Melissa Joan Hart coffee commercial that lasted three full minutes.
At first you may have thought you leaned on the remote and actually changed the channel. Or maybe you thought you entered the Twilight Zone. Or perhaps you just went with it because BIP was three hours long, and the wine bottle seemed to finish itself. But no, do not adjust your televisions friends. This commercial may have had you asking "what the fuck is happening" the entire time (again, a full three minutes), but I assure you, what you saw was very, very real.
So, what was this even about? What was real? What was fake? Why did it feel like the DVD menu of Requiem for a Dream? There's so much to unpack, but I promise I'll try to do it faster than the commercial itself (did I mention it was a full three minutes).
Here we go...
It starts with a daytime TV intro
For what product? Great question. There are approximately three different products mentioned throughout the full three minutes, and I'm still unsure of which one is for sale and which one is for show and which one is just a prank.
Melissa goes on to make subtle (and not at all subtle) references to being a witch (shoutout Sabrina) and Salem (Nick Bakay), who I guess was maybe supposed to be the voiceover actor? Again, nothing in this commercial is clear, from the references to the actual products being sold. But I guess that's why it was so, here it is... magical.
Then she hits us with National Coffee Day
That's it — that's all I've got here.
Then we enter the non-traditional ways to use coffee grounds
But wait, there's more! Coffee grounds can also fix a scratch on a table, too. (I know that this piece feels chaotic and all over the place. I can assure you I'm giving you 25% of the chaos the actual commercial gives you.)
Now onto the pitch
For one low price of $19.99 you get the "all purpose cleaner and scratch buffer included, because they are literally the same thing." You also get three different coffees included in the price.
I swear to God what I'm about to say is real... this is where they introduce a CD-like infomercial touting all of the things coffee can do. The best part? In the corner it says "We can't guarantee this works. Do not attempt."
But wait, there's ACTUALLY more.
The commercial leaves the cozy fireplace for a lab
Cue Melissa Joan Hart in a lab coat telling us about Ethical Bean and that these products are fair trade and organic.
But don't get too comfy... we're now learning that....
Coffee can remove under-eye bags?
And volumize your hair!
With the same caveat that this probably DOESN'T WORK.
We end with a big push to ORDER NOW!
I am more confused now than when I first saw this commercial. But consider me intrigued. So I researched it a bit more and went to AsBeanOnTV.com. I've gotta say, I'm officially lost. The search and rescue mission team can go home. Let's hang up our hats and call it a day. I will never return from this journey.
According to the the site, on top of being a degreaser, the Maxwell Coffee can be used as a shake weight for your triceps, and can also be used as a Time Capsule! Gëvalia can be used to "reminisce about the good old days" and to "help grow grass." On top of removing bags and volumizing hair, Ethical Bean can exfoliate and wake up your skin! And again, all three are met with a disclaimer:
The final step on this journey took me to the phone numbers. Yes, I called all three phone numbers. (This is hard hitting investigative journalism, OK?) And I am so glad that I did. While 1-833-JOE-ACTV didn't work when I called it (it has since been fixed) the other two numbers go to this automated voice message:
Hello. And thank you for calling one of the totally real numbers from our totally real infomercial about coffee. If you know the extension of the person you're looking for dial it now. Kidding. There is no one here to talk to. We clearly didn't expect anyone to call, but we totally expect people to visit asbeanontv.com to order classic Maxwell House, slow roasted Gëvalia, and indulgent Ethical Bean coffees, because they're delicious and according to the internet, super useful. But since you're here tell us your favorite Melissa Joan Hart role, and the strangest thing you've ever, ever, done with coffee.
I didn't leave a voicemail because I have some self control, but I will tell you all now: my favorite Melissa Joan Hart role is Sabrina The Teenage Witch and the weirdest thing I've ever done with coffee is drink it.
I wish I could tell you how we got here, but I don't think any of us know the answer to that. The most important thing is... it's over. We can leave this commercial in the past and recover. We can see our therapists, we can call our close friends and family members, and most importantly, we can say we survived the three minute Melissa Joan Hart coffee commercial.
Image: Maxwell House