"Roy Errand Boy" - Waystar Royco

New York, New York, United States

The Opportunity

Waystar Royco is offering the chance of a lifetime to one ambitious, cunning future finance bro. To "feel it" under the tutelage of media tycoon Logan Roy and his family of sycophants. This executive assistant level role, which really bears no standing to the executive suite, is actually a means to provide generous support to all members of the Roy family on a moment's notice, from fetching slippers to never answering questions asked when under oath.

Creative input will not be credited and requests for upward mobility will be ignored unless under the coat of blackmail, but money is to be made. And where there is money, there is power and corruption a lucky kid could only dream of basking in. After all, isn't the end goal to ultimately become clever enough to be deemed a "Machiavellian fuck?" This position will, on paper, report to ATN News Head Tom Wambsgans.

As founder and CEO Roy says, "Waystar Royco is a family. A family that spans four continents, 50 countries, and three divisions: Entertainment, News, and Resorts. Working together to provide a net that can hold the world... or catapult it forward to the next adventure!"

Kendall Roy, Division President, echoes his father's vision. "Joining Waystar Royco, you're joining one of the most dynamic news and entertainment companies in the world."

Can you feel it? Apply today. We hear for you. Always.

A Sampling of Waystar's Subsidiaries

Waystar media outlets: The NY Globe, The Chicago Daily, The Cincinnati Standard, The Shenzen Sun, Deutschland Heute, Les Temps du Paris, Journal Quebecoise, The Correspondent

Waystar broadcast news stations: ATN, ncn, LNN

Waystar entertainment branch: Waystar Studios, home of The Biggest Turkey in the World. "A holiday hit for the whole family." - The Correspondent (The Biggest Turkey in the World is produced by Waystar Studios. Waystar Studios is a division of Waystar Royco, which also owns The Correspondent.)

Primary Responsibilities

• Perform a variety of target-oriented tasks and keep close to the deal flow
• Keep one's head down and the lattes flowing
• Promptly chuck any and all deck shoes in one's wardrobe and own a collection of blazers
• Contract a "virus" at the behest of the candidate's direct report and pinky promise not to spread it
• Teach an old "dinosaur," as may be playfully jested by political strategist Siobhan Roy, how to increase the speed of a computer when it takes too long to buffer
• Strategize slogans to hide potential invasions of privacy in customers' homes
• Boost up the self-esteem of candidate's direct report when needed, like in the hypothetical case he receives a nut and fruit box instead of a champagne and paperweight in his chalet the next time he attends the Argestes conference
• Do not get too big for one's britches and under no circumstances take "unofficial" meetings with potential writers of unauthorized biographies
• Always evade questions and willfully obstruct justice if and when said candidate takes the stand in court
• Bury any and all incriminating evidence that indicates knowledge of unsavory behavior aboard Waystar cruises
• Serve as a hand towel to COO Roman Roy when asked

Qualifications

• A Wharton School of Business degree would be sick, but if the candidate's last name is Roy (and/or Hirsch) or the candidate is in a relationship with a member of the Roy family, that counts as equivalent life experience
• A penchant for California Pizza Kitchen's Cajun Chicken Linguini
• No backbone to be found, accompanied by a "whatever the boss says, goes" attitude
• Above all, a knack for being a "Sin Cake Eater."

Perks

• Free entry to Waystar Royco theme parks
• "Hunting" trips to Hungary, complete with interactive dinner games
• Admittance to the Argestes conference for obnoxious executives and tech giants
• Invites to exclusive restaurant pop-ups in Manhattan where fried songbirds are served as a delicacy
• Fully paid apartment perfect for large gatherings, courtesy of Kendall Roy
• Vision, Dental, 401k (but who really cares about all that?)
• Most importantly, the candidate has the privilege to call themselves a member of the Roy family

Waystar Royco, LLC and its subsidiaries are not equal opportunity employers. Nepotism is encouraged and enforced.

Seniority Level

Executive (in hearsay only)

Industry

Entertainment, News, and Resorts

Employment Type

Full-time (and ample over-time)

Job Functions

Administrative, Illegal

Pay Range

Obscene

*Disclaimer: Waystar Royco is only posting this job on LinkedIn as a formality. The Human Resources team have already selected a candidate who is so obsequious that in no way, shape, or form would they ever betray the family. Our talented Rat-fucker Sam will make sure of that.

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