'RHOBH' Season 12 Premiere: The Bad Guys Are Back

- Real Housewives of Beverly Hills -
'RHOBH' Season 12 Premiere: The Bad Guys Are Back

I considered a few opening lines to my very first Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 12 recap for you all. Those openers left on the cutting room floor include: The premiere episode is "deep and hard," just like Garcelle's massage; it's filled with "not so nice people," like the ones Erika wants to have sex with; there may be no crying in baseball, the sport that brought Crystal and Sutton together, but there is crying in this premiere.

But perhaps the first episode of this season can be summed up best with a line from Jagger and Phoenix's martial arts teacher: "Don't wait so much time because the bad guy is going to get away."

There are a few "bad guys" in our Season 12 return to the 90210 (and adjacent). Obviously, there are the real bad guys who robbed Dorit and PK's home, while holding Dorit at gunpoint and stealing around $1 million worth of belongings in a comforter. We all read the stories, but hearing Dorit's account was horrifying and it made me cry, but more on that later.

Bad Guy #2 is Sutton, who is entering her "villain era," as @BravoHistorian and The Dipp's Sam Bush put it. We also have Lisa Rinna's many pairs of indoor sunglasses, which are, simply put, tragic. And there's Elton John, who has yet to speak out on who exactly was invited to his benefit gala. You've had months, Elton!

But let's start at the beginning — well, three days earlier than the beginning. It's like summer break has ended and the first day of school is upon us. We're checking in with the women — all of whom are returning from last season, despite some pleas from fans, and all-in-all, they're doing well. Kyle is invited to Paris Hilton's wedding, and Portia is out of her pre-teen funk and has braces. Rinna is adopting Dorit's label obsession and wears head-to-toe Gucci while planning Harry Hamlin's 70th birthday party with a purse inside a purse. (Side note: I don't know what's in Harry's secret sauce, but it's working ✨magic✨ on him.)

Garcelle and Sutton are two single girlies out on the prowl in Miami. Erika is having sex with nice (and not nice) people. Crystal is negotiating with a 6-year-old about broccoli. And Dorit is back from London with Jagger and Phoenix. (Look, I don't want to kick a horse while they're down, but I couldn't help but notice Dorit was seemingly... not flying private. Just sayin'!)

It's nice to catch up with the women, until you realize that the more things change, specifically the paint color of Kyle's living room, the more they stay the same. The "drama" we see in the first half of the first episode is primarily predicated on last season's drama, as well as the in between. Minutes in, Rinna, with what I want to believe was a subtle callback to Allison DuBois' infamous dinner party e-cig drag, loosely threatens Sutton for claiming Rinna and Harry were guests of her's at Elton John's gala on WWHL.

Erika is still beefing with Sutton, though Sutton seems to be carrying most of that hate herself. Erika is also beefing with a show producer, who just wanted to clarify how certain investigations were dismissed in one of Tom Girardi's embezzlement lawsuits. ("Bravo can do their due diligence," is something a poor intern really didn't want to hear that day.)

But the biggest thing to happen during the RHOBH premiere was not Garcelle saying she hates cheesecake or Erika saying she wakes up with Taco Bell wrappers in her kitchen without any memory of ordering it. (Both sound like a great time to me!)

The major focus of the episode, which will hopefully not be the major focus of the season, is when Dorit's Encino home was robbed on Oct. 27. The mom of two had just laid her little karate-choppin' kids to bed in their rooms, something she rarely does when PK is out of town, did her nighttime routine, and heard her door open. She then saw, as she puts it, "not a little person, but a big person." That would be one of the three men who held her at gunpoint while robbing her family home and threatening to kill her.

I've always loved Dorit. She can, in my eyes, do no wrong. Can she be tone-deaf, pompous, and arrogant all in one insanely-accented sentence? Absolutely. Do I think, at the end of the day, she's a good person? Yes. I also don't think she is faking a home robbery. From the episode I watched, I saw a scared woman trying to be strong, while experiencing "shocking," as Andrea Denver from Summer House would put it. The end of the episode, when she collapses into Kyle's front yard bench, trying to convince herself "I'm OK," is perhaps one of the realist Real Housewives moments we've gotten from Dorit. But maybe I'm too naive for this gig.

While the home robbery was heartbreaking to watch — and yes, as I mentioned, I did well up a little watching Dorit and the women talk about how she saved her kids' lives (even though Jagger and Phoenix can do 10 push-ups) by cooperating with the robbers and deescalating the situation as best she could — it was the responses to the robbery that set up the rest of the season in my eyes.

Most of the women seemed to be besides themselves after hearing what Dorit had gone through. Erika forgave Mauricio for laughing at her expense last season, while she and Kyle broke bread over some wine, realizing their issues were much smaller than those at hand.

Fancy Drew, though, had her own fires to put out. Sutton is a true rags to riches story when it comes to her popularity on the show, but she may in fact be finding herself in some hot water if she continues to approach the season the way she did in this first episode.

Even if Kyle's reaction to Dorit's robbery felt like her newest audition for Halloween 17, she was appropriately upset for her friend's situation. Sutton, on the other hand, took digs at Erika dating for money, and quickly shifted the attention to herself, informing Kyle that she, too, was putting out fires that day, which included some lame drama with a furniture delivery. At one point she even said that all our problems are relative, and "I wasn't held at gunpoint, I'm sorry!" Kyle's Botox was putting in the work, let's just say that.

So where do we go from here? Perhaps we begin to quietly put away our Sutton Stan t-shirts with our winter clothes as we prepare for a potential Bad Guy Edit for Sutton this summer. I think we also should hope Dorit's home robbery, as traumatic as it is, doesn't cloud the remainder of the season much like her long-lost dog.

And I think we prepare ourselves for a multitude of bad guys, beyond just Sutton. Erika isn't ready to give up the mantle, while Kathy Hilton seems to be ready to step into the spotlight. And then there's newbie Diana Jenkins, who seems to willingly put on the villain crown in the season's preview. My only advice to all of the women would be to stay away from any backyard parties, because Jagger is ready to "push the bad guy towards the pool."

I had to!
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