Well, I don't know about you but I tune into Keeping Up With the Kardashians each week to watch the gals flaunt their athleticism. On Thursday night's episode (Season 20, Episode 3), there is competitiveness about whether the Kardashians or the Jenners have more physical prowess. Clearly, on the face of it all, Kendall Jenner and Kylie Jenner would seem more sports-oriented, considering they are the progeny of an Olympian. But...
If internet rumors claiming that OJ Simpson is her real father are true (you wish), Khloe Kardashian may have some Heisman Trophy-winning genes of her own, you know?
After last week's California spon-con, this week, we get to watch a round of arm wrestling. The sisters decide to settle the Kard vs Jenner sports beef like real athletes do: on a production-intern-constructed Spartan Race course at their Malibu vacation home.
Outcome of the race aside, I've ranked the sisters from least to most athletic, based only partially on their actual physicality. It's what Kris would want.
Fifth Place: Kylie
Kylie ranks as the least athletic. By far. Due to a "sinus infection" Kylie didn't even show up (classic Kylie), leaving Kendall as the lone Jenner competitor. She does do a flip on the Malibu vacation house trampoline, which while impressive, does not absolve her of the shame she should feel about bailing on the competition. You're never going to be a billionaire with a work ethic like that, Kylie. Oh, wait...
Fourth Place: Kim
I had picked Kimberly to win this competition, but unfortunately she sustained a knee injury during a friendly game of volleyball, and under the advice of some guy off camera she decided to bow out of the race, totally destroying my bracket.
If it had been me, I would have tapped Fit Gurl Mel to compete on my behalf. Though she did not win, Fit Gurl Mel did compete in Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's Titan Games, and made a brave show of pushing around foam core boulders. (Yes, I watched it, proudly). I guess Kim would rather bring shame on her family than let someone else get the spotlight.
Third Place: Khloe
Of the three remaining competitors, Khloe had the second best race time. She tried to channel her inner OJ, but she just couldn't stab her way out of this one.
Koko definitely deserves credit for showing up and staying positive, but what ultimately spelled her downfall was her utter refusal to do anything that might break one of her very long nails... and she got a 15 second penalty for not completing one of the obstacles.
Sure, handle your toddler with knives on the ends of your fingers, but definitely do not climb over a fairly low plywood wall.
Runner Up: Kendall
Kendall actually had the best race time of all the sisters, but that's mostly because she's in her 20s and her limbs are yards longer than those of all the Kardashians combined. Including Rob.
Although she technically won the competition, she doesn't win in my book because she is a wealthy and famous super model. She won the genetic lottery, she doesn't get to win this too.
Winner: Kourtney
Dear, dear Kourtney. She really tried her best, and her speed was impressive but unfortunately, being 5'1" she simply couldn't reach the stuff she was supposed to climb over. The deck was truly stacked against her. (And also may be taller than her.)
While she placed third overall in the Spartan Race, she's the most athletic sister as far as I'm concerned because she's been bravely dragging around the story line of will she or won't she get back together with Scott for almost six years now.
Seriously, this woman could stand toe to toe with those guys on strong man competitions who drag jumbo jets. Life is an endurance race, and judging by how long she has endured this premise, Kourtney is the finest athlete of them all.
In the end, according to their rules, Kendall beat three Kardashians, so she got to stand at the top of the medal podium, much like her father did before her.
But considering how many players were no-shows, or who were injured, or who let Corey help them climb down on of the fake wall thingys, it didn't really seem like a fair competition.
Maybe they should play a family football game next? Right now this season feels like they're ahead by 10 points with only a few minutes left on the clock so the quarterback has decided to take a knee, but hopefully they're able to turn it around and give us an exciting finish to the game.
I don't think I got that football analogy right, but in my defense my finger nails are too long for me to be able find ESPN with the remote. Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate! Scott! Scott! Scott!
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Images: E!/screenshots