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'Gossip Girl' Recap: Everyone Has Daddy Issues & Everyone Loves Cocaine

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'Gossip Girl' Recap: Everyone Has Daddy Issues & Everyone Loves Cocaine

Wow, everyone has daddy issues! Julien’s dad is cheating with some coked-up girl from the bathroom, Max’s dad is cheating with whomever he can send his dick pic to on Scruff, and Zoya’s dad won’t let her go on a date with a boy because she’s only 15 and she is still grounded for sending a dick pic she didn’t even send. Of all the problems these teens have, that is the only one that is even marginally relatable, but then Dad lets her go out with Obie to the premiere of the new Jeremy O. Harris play at the Public Theater, so any relatability gets washed away in that tsunami of downtown theater world cool.

As the episode kicks off, Julien is trying to find a new heir to date now that Obie is with Zoya. Zoya is hating all the attention though because everyone on the internet is making fun of her now that she’s in the public eye. Obie, a kid who is so rich you know that he hasn’t even once thought about manscaping his pubes, is just oblivious to the whole thing because that is how he rolls.

Max decides that if Julien wants to bag a man other than the Shah of Iran’s grandson with a hot body and a huge, ahem, hammam, then she has to know herself. He suggests she do this by… going out with him to a bunch of clubs on a school night wearing essentially a see-through body stocking and doing space coke (which is apparently cocaine and ketamine, and not the cola that Jeff Bezos drinks on his way back from one of his space shuttle jaunts). This plan sounds so bad that it’s almost something that Julien herself might come up with because she is horrible at plans. (Is this a Gen Z thing or just an individual character flaw?)

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