For years, you've been pressed by family, friends, and strangers to answer the question, "are you Team Jess or Team Dean," and honestly, your answer says a lot about you as a person. But what if I told you that I'm Team No One.
As a Gilmore Girls-loving society, we need to come to terms with the fact that every man on the show is truly awful (except, of course, for Richard Gilmore*, may he rest).
I can hear the collective gasps and the "but what abouts" now and I have to stop you right there. Even everyone's favorite hamburger slinging diner king Luke Danes is not exempt from my ire.
I will be using a five-coffee-cup rating system to show you just how terrible these boys/men are. Think of these cups filled with cold Maxwell House. Zero coffee mugs means he's the worst of the worst; five coffee mugs he's the best of the worst, which is still pretty awful.
Max Medina
"Max Medina, Maaaax Medina." If you don't say his name like he did on that silly little voicemail he left on Lorelei Gilmore's answering machine in Season 1, are you even a fan?! JK. But really.
I really struggle with ole Maxxy. I get the initial attraction: he's sexy, caring, and intelligent. And yet I can't stand him. The fact this man went through the trouble of acquiring 1,000 yellow daisies to cover the lobby of the Independence Inn to only propose to Lorelei over the phone... no ❤️.
He gets two cups because he has lovely hair and I think while being a terrible partner to Lorelei, he was a good teacher to Rory.
Rating: ☕️☕️
Dean Forester
I truly despise Dean so much that I had to Google to remind myself what his last name was. He is such a flop and I'm not just talking about his hair curtains (see picture above). The fact this man was in seven seasons of a hit show and was seemingly an "important" character but I had to Google his last name... says a lot.
Where to begin with Dean. I really think in Season 1 he was a completely different person than he was in Season 2. He came in kind of with an edge, a complexity, if you will, and he was tapped into pop culture. Then suddenly, he came back and was this tall, whiny, "pick me" boy. He got mad when Rory Gilmore didn't say I love you back right away, he cheated on his wife, and only wanted to watch Lord Of The Rings.
A moment that really sticks with me about Dean is when Rory is panicking about getting into Harvard, her dream school that she'd do anything to get in, and he loses his god damn mind. He whines and complains about how he wants to hangout with her, throwing a fit in the town square. Sorry Dean, some people have dreams and aspirations!
Rating: ☕
Christopher Hayden
Christopher is a damn mess. He basically was MIA from Rory her entire childhood all because Lorelei didn't want to marry him at 16, which feels like a wise decision on her part. But he also continuously jerks Lorelei around. Coming in and out of their lives as he pleases, always pulling her in to then push her away... it was honestly heartbreaking to watch. Especially because he seems to use the mother of his child as a back up plan. He was the WB's (now CW's) original grown adult fuck boy.
But if you want an even hotter take... he and Lorelei had more chemistry than she and Luke. BUT NOW WE SAID IT.
Rating: ☕️☕️☕️
Jess Mariano
This one is going to be tough to hear, and I understand. I was a Team Jess girlie for over a decade, until I came to my senses (and only recently did I, I must admit). I did a rewatch this past fall because fall is also known to me as Gilmore Girls season and something about the crisp air and changing leaves screams Stars Hollow to me. And in 2021, it also screamed Jess Isn't As Good As You Thought He Was!!!!
I rate Jess 3/5 coffee cups because I get that Jess was supposed to be the misunderstood bad boy who loved to read and had more in common with Rory than her stale white bread boyfriend Dean, but he wasn't good to her.
Remember that episode from Season 3 when Rory and Jess went to a house party to watch Lane's band play... he wanted to hook up upstairs after sulking the whole night and when Rory said no he got mad at her. Which of course, a fight with Dean followed and he ruined Kyle's parents' house, and didn't even come help the next day to clean up, so, you know, not great!
Now that I am a little older and a little wiser, the thought of putting up with a man who is only nice to you and horrible to everyone else in your life sounds exhausting. It's also tiring to think about having to constantly defend your man, having to say things like, "you just don't know him like I do." Ladies, if you ever have to utter those words, it's time to get the fuck out of that relationship. Toxic!
Rating: ☕️☕️☕️
Luke Danes
Luke only gets one coffee cup. Which I'm sure he'd like because he hates coffee (he hates everything). But Luke, Luke, Luke. Where to begin. First let me say, I really struggle with Luke and not in the same way I do with Jess. Because at least Jess seems like he brushes his teeth. And I mean, like uncle like nephew, Luke is just fucking grumpy.
He's always complaining, always in a bad mood, which is fine if you're not dating him. I've dated a grumpy guy and it's funny at first, them hating things and being a little neurotic, but honestly, it wears on you. Sometimes you just want to giggle and enjoy Pippi Longstocking without the constant moaning and groaning.
And when Luke discovers he has a child with ex-girlfriend Anna Nardini, we are then introduced to the worst character on the show, a child by the name of April (that is a discussion for another time). Luke keeps this from Lorelei. Mr. Honesty is the one hiding a huge secret!
At one point he gets mad at Lorelei for listening to a voicemail from Christopher and he ruins a cute date night with Suki and Jackson, but at the same time, he's the one who decides that keeping the fact that he has an estranged love child from his fiancé is the wise move? Double standards much?!
Rating: ☕
Logan Huntzberger
I'm giving Logan the highest score out of all these clowns because I think he's the most honest man in the bunch. Sure he slept with another girl during his and Rory's "Ross and Rachel, we were on a break" phase, but he was never dishonest about it. But with that said, he still sucks because I can't take the fact that this man who has such immense privilege and opportunity feels the need to complain about it. I said he was honest but I didn't say he was self-aware. Self-awareness is something Logan lacks.
We only see Rory's side of the yacht stealing saga, but let us not forget, Logan was there too. Logan also stole the yacht out of the marina that night and yet, he seemed to get off Scot free. He could've told her no, he could've talked some sense into her, but he didn't. Our girl got 300 hours of community service and one year probation.
I'm trying my hardest not to bring up the final season because it was a one-off, it was horrible season that Amy Sherman-Palladino had nothing to do with due to the writer strikes that took place that year, and it shows. But I have to bring up the fact that Logan proposes to Rory when she is about to graduate from Yale, which seems to be an attempt at trying to trap Rory. I mean the girl is what, 22?
Thankfully Rory says no to him and he sulks off never to be seen again until the revival. Rejecting Logan was probably the smartest thing Rory had done in years.
Rating: ☕️☕️☕️☕️
*P.S. – I know what you're thinking... But what about Richard's lunch with Pennilyn Lott?! And let me tell you something: It was just lunch. Nothing more than that. I do think he should have told Emily Gilmore, but at the end of the day, it was Emily who was his soulmate. Richard knew that and she knew that. Also FYI, when they dance to "Wedding Bell Blues" at their vow renewal, I weep every single time. The end.
Images: The CW