Is human beings going on blind dates in heavy animal prosthetics on national television a sign of the apocalypse? Because, if so, I've got some terrible news. Netflix's new dating show Sexy Beasts puts its contestants in Disney animatronics-level makeup and prosthetics, and it is almost as fluffy as it is horrifying.
According to Variety, 48 unique looks were created for Sexy Beasts by FX artist Kristyan Mallet (The Witches, Star Wars: Episode VIII — The Last Jedi), and each and every one of them is the stuff of nightmares. And I mean that as a compliment.
The show seems to be a combination of The Masked Singer and Love Is Blind, only more creepy because you can see the contestant's real bodies, and it's prosthetics and makeup, not masks, so it actually just looks like you're dating a dolphin lady or a scarecrow. Yikes. The show will send one person on three different dates — all with their faces completely obscured with the help of Hollywood professional makeup and prosthetics — and then that person will choose one to meet IRL.
The show claims to be facilitating people falling love "based on personality alone," but since the prosthetics don't cover the body, that cannot possibly be true. As one contestant so eloquently puts it in the trailer, "Ass first, personality second."
So, since these people are clearly not going to be picking their winners based on personality alone, I figured we could take this opportunity to judge them solely on their looks.
The Bull
What it reminds me of: A mad scientist's human experiment from the depths of hell.
Nightmare fuel level: 8/10
The Devil
What it reminds me of: This devil is for sure a reject Buffy the Vampire Slayer villain. I mean, just look at it compared to one of the demons from the show's Season 6. I see no difference.
Nightmare fuel level: 8.5/10
The Rhino
What it reminds me of: An alien ally on Doctor Who.
Nightmare fuel level: 4/10
Whatever This Is
What it reminds me of: This man is truly giving me Times Square Elmo energy. Kind of like a discount Chip & Dale that would show up at the saddest 3 year old's birthday party.
Nightmare fuel level: 6/10
The Dolphin
What it reminds me of: A blob fish. And, while I know blob fish aren't exactly scary, there's something about this hole look that's really freaking me out.
Nightmare fuel level: 5.5/10
The Fox/Bobcat/WTV This Is
What it reminds me of: I truly cannot tell what animal this is supposed to be, but I immediately thought this person was cosplaying as Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr. Fox. Honorable mention: the furry animal head-human body combo is also giving me major flashbacks to Hermione in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when she accidentally turned herself into a cat.
Nightmare fuel level: 6.5/10
This Blue Thing
What it reminds me of: This creature is what I would expect to see if Neytiri from Avatar had a baby with Legolas from The Lord of the Rings, and that bay then got a nose job to look like the old evil witch from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Nightmare fuel level: 8.5/10
The Scarecrow
What it reminds me of: The scarecrow on Sexy Beasts is really just an upgraded version of the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. But there's something about the bright green stitches along the mouth and eyes that makes it a million times worse.
Nightmare fuel level: 10/10
Honestly, Netflix, you couldn't just give us a Season 2 of Love is Blind and not terrorize my nights for years to come? The first six episodes of Sexy Beasts will premiere on Netflix July 21, with a second six-episode season coming before the end of the year.
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