The lives of the core four on Riverdale have never been boring. Serial killers. More serial killers. Rocket ships. Cults. Bear attacks. The list goes on. But their lives seven years after graduating high school? Somehow even more chaotic. Archie is removed from active duty after a particularly intense combat situation. Betty can't close her eyes without thinking of someone named the Trash Bag Killer. Veronica is living out Uncut Gems. And Jughead has writer's block, a chest tattoo, and debt collectors? Madness!
I have many questions after the Riverdale time jump and there are many plots to explore. And while I know this teen-no-more soap owes me nothing — let alone an explanation why Nana Rose is still kicking when she looks like a strong breeze would flip her wicker wheelchair over at any moment — I want some answers! I didn't watch "Purgatorio" six times just to see 20-somethings answer their phones, did I? No — I watched it to make sure I didn't dream up this absolutely bonkers (and incredible) new world of Riverdale we now live in.
Here are the questions I — and perhaps you — have following Riverdale's first episode post-time jump. Wild dogs and all.
What Is Happened To Riverdale?
Anyone else catch when Toni said that there are stray, feral dogs that just roam the streets of Riverdale now? Cool, cool, cool.
As for Riverdale as a whole, blame Hiram Lodge (again). He's bankrupting the town to funnel money to SoDale. But is it even possible for a town to go from The Town With Pep (and a hell of a lot of murder) to a rundown mess in seven years? Or for busses to just stop service in the town? Surely there was a public transportation budget to pull from at some point.
I get that things have changed around town, but there are parks in The Walking Dead with less abandoned baby dolls than in Riverdale... and those towns were desecrated by literal zombies.
What Does Hiram Lodge Even Want?
First he was a drug dealer, then a prison owner, and now he's just turning Riverdale into one big skid row with scary dogs? To what end, sir?
Who Is The Mystery Father Of Toni's Baby?
It's Kevin, right? It's gotta be Kevin (or Fangs). Toni says it's a secret, but maybe that's just because it's not her news to share?
What War Is Archie Fighting In?
Riverdale has always existed in a time with no time, which is actually what makes it so visually compelling and easier to swallow. It's a fake world — they can do whatever they want. But in Episode 5, we learn it is 2021 and Archie is just now released from combat? Yes, there are wars everywhere, but, just what? There are just over 2,000 American troops in Afghanistan right now and other troops stationed overseas are mostly engaged in peacekeeping, so how did Archie get wounded in combat and also somehow an Army sergeant after just seven years of service?
What Happened To Pops?
Did you think that Pops had been murdered before it was revealed that he was only retiring? Because I sure did! No disrespect to Pops, but I'm surprised these now-adults were able (and willing) to drop everything to come home for him and the town in one day's time. And yet they bailed on Jughead one year after graduation. (It's because he's a weirdo, isn't it?)
Jughead Has A Chest Tattoo
This isn't as much a question for the show, but myself. When did this happen? And... am I into this?
Is This How Veronica Wins?
The reveal that Veronica is now working in a high-security jewelry shop a la Uncut Gems may be the best thing to come from this time jump. From the choppy editing, to her selling a bracelet to someone named T-Dubs, to lying to her husband about working in, what I can only assume is, Riverdale's version of Macy's — it is perfection.
Do Veronica & Jughead Brunch?
The two do not live far from each other (with Veronica in the Upper East Side and Jughead in Alphabet City). Do they stay in touch? Does Veronica travel below 14th Street? Do they do bottomless mimosas once a year at least?
Is Betty OK?!
Betty has traded in her perky ponytail and knitwear for some longer locks and Emily Prentiss blazers (IYKYK), but that's not why I'm worried she's unwell. No, the girl has been captured and released by someone named the Trash Bag Killer (?!) in the last seven years and has major PTSD from it. Plus, she has become the sort of person that lies about plans with friends in order to eat Thai takeout alone with her cat instead of going on a date with her hunky FBI agent/maybe-boyfriend. No judgement, of course, but this does not bode well for her mental health. Talk to your therapist, Betty!
Is Hermione A Villain On RHONY?
When the production assistant says she keeps it "real" on set, does she mean Ramona Singer real or Bethenny Frankel real? It matters.
Chad Definitely Is (A Villain), Right?
Do not trust this man, no matter how many times he blames a helicopter accident from Marsha's Vineyard for his machismo.
How Is Nana Rose Even Alive?
Not only is she alive, she sorta suggested Cheryl get into art forgery? This woman is either a mean wrinkly ghost or on some very good beta blockers.
How Is Cheryl Getting Even Creepier?
Is Cheryl living in the Haunting of Hill House or is Nana Rose just guilting her into being her home nurse? What, besides the many ghosts of her dead brother's corpse and possibly her mother (remember when her mother literally hid in a wall?), could be within the walls of her family home that could cause her any more horror than she's already faced? I just want Cheryl to be happy.
Who Gets Into A Semi Truck With A Skeleton?
Alright, so obviously the mystery that will keep the old gang in Riverdale is that Lynette "Squeaky" Fields gets into a semi-truck on the road to nowhere and likely goes missing or dies. Is this Betty's Trash Bag Killer? Someone new? And not to victim-shame, Squeaky, but did you see that skeleton? Wait for the next car, honey!
Images: The CW