Episode 2 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians has Kylie Jenner meeting Cardi B. behind the scenes of the filming of "WAP," there's a storyline about Kendall Jenner having kids (honestly you probably fast-forwarded through most of that), and Kim Kardashian is struggling to deal with Kanye West's online behavior. There's a lot going on (especially the Kim stuff) but don't worry, the powers that be decide to show us a whole conversation between Scott Disick and Tristan Thompson about why living in California is remarkable (it isn't).
When we were done watching spon-con for the Golden State, thankfully someone, namely Malika, was brave enough to ask the question we all wish we didn't have the answer to: is Kanye running for President.
Kim doesn't know how to respond to questions about Kanye's then-recent Twitter behavior and she doesn't want to talk about it on camera, so the sisters (Kris) decide to have a girls' night in Malibu where they drink and try to take Kim's mind off of things (and also make her talk about it on camera). An extremely half-hearted night ensues.
They talk about Kourtney's relationship status and Khloe asks her, "Do you still talk to what's his name?" to which Kourtney replies "No, he still texts me sometimes." I found myself wracking my brain to try to figure out who What's His Name is. I remember she dated some French guy or was it French Montana, or French Stewart? Who could it be and why aren't they saying his name? And that's when I realized: Whats-His-Name is imaginary. He's no one and he's everyone. He's French, he's not French.
The Kards are just trying to fill up air-time and clock out after this season. I felt bamboozled at first, but then I settled into a pleasant state of ennui. They're not even trying anymore, so neither will I. Kim gets lit by chugging water out of a Don Julio bottle and is miraculously not hungover. She's really, really built different. (The shots they take are definitely probably sugar-free iced tea. These women have all had their livers removed so they can fit into sample sizes, it would be dangerous to drink. Don't Google the liver removal thing, it's a working theory.)
They made Kendall babysit this, which was almost more uncomfortable than Cardi and Kylie's forced interaction. Kendall expresses her envy of her sisters' families passionately, by saying, "Sometimes I am like hm."
She's made out to be somewhat of a baby-phobe, and the editors take their artistic license as they are wont to do, by editing True to make it seem like she says "No" when Khloe asks if she wants to sit in Auntie Kenny's lap. Why are you making True a pawn in all this? Later in the episode, while Kendall is babysitting, they show the same clip of True tripping over a toy twice, so someone has obviously got it out for poor True. Maybe she didn't hit her weekly social media goals and Kris is making an example out of her.
Let's stop with the Kendall / baby story line for now, shall we? Kendall's reproductive organs are in storage (you've seen this photo, right, no way she has all of her organs) and they need to be dusted and aired out before she can put them back in temporarily for child-bearing purposes, so give her some time. (Again, the temporary removal of organs for photo shoots etc is a working theory, so don't fact check this. However, the idea of someone only keeping their reproductive organs in their body for actual child bearing is not unprecedented, you think Em Rata's body just naturally bounced back that quick after having a baby? No way. Stored organs. It's possible, these people are weird. And rich. Very rich.)
Also, the idea that Kendall has never once cared for a child before is laughable because she knows Scott's girlfriends. After one night of babysitting True, Chi and Saint, Kendall proclaims: "I want a kid." Kenny, at one point you tried to put the kids to bed on a couch. You don't want a kid you want an alcoholic roommate. Join Summer House!
But don't worry, it's not all dialed-in scripted content. The cameras did manage to capture Scott and Tristan's gripping conversation about how cool it is to live in LA. "No but honestly, we've got the beach, and the desert is right there," Tristan says earnestly.
Wow, Tristan, you really got real with us for a minute there. Thanks for opening up. Groundbreaking. Thanks for keeping that exchange in, editors. You guys are really in your senior spring here, huh? Clearly you've already gotten into college and are just trying to maintain a C- average and take poor True out with you when you go. "I've never been to San Diego," says Tristan wistfully. Oh Tristan. Keep reaching for your dreams, they're just a 26 hour drive away with LA traffic.
There's also a story line about a comment Scott made on Khloe's Instagram about Tristan that I'm choosing to ignore. I'm boycotting the reason for all of Tristan's actual heartfelt testimonials about Khloe. I just want to see him talk about LA more.
While I respect Kim's wishes to stay private about her struggles with Kanye and his mental health, I also wish she'd open up more so Kris wouldn't have to engineer stupid content like Kendall babysitting, or Scott's Instagram comments. Hopefully in coming episodes we get to the real meat of the season: Kris planning a prank for Khloe and Scott to pull on her. Lol, I love those Krazy Kids. And the question on all of our minds until next Thursday will be: will Tristan ever make it to San Diego?
Images: Screenshots/E!